(90 minutes south of Canada) Look out Big East, the Syracuse coaching staff is calling in the big guns. Syracuse Head Coach Doug Marrone addressed the local media with his biggest concerns for the upcoming season and did not shy away from who was responsible for getting his team in position for another post-season run, “Without question we will only go as far as anonymous Internet commentators take us.”
Marrone is loved by real Syracuse fans, who will never forget that he was able to take the big pile of dog doo left behind by Greg Robinson and turn the team into a competitive team in season 1 and a bowl team in season 2. His popularity peaked in Week 7 of season 3, when Syracuse blew out West Virginia in a nationally televised game to go 5-2. But the team was unable to win any more games and missed being bowl eligible. From there, the anonymous Internet commentators began churning out the criticisms and helpful advice.
And Marrone has taken notice. “If the anonymous commentators on websites like Syracuse.com do not provide us with useful critiques, how can you expect us coaches to make the right adjustments each week?,” Marrone explained. Athletic Director Dr. Gross added: “The input from our fans, especially the fair weather ones, is huge. I mean, if not for some of the anonymous posters online, then I would have kept Greg Robinson. That guy had two Super Bowl rings and it’s not like you can just walk into a pawn store and buy those. So I wholeheartedly support Doug’s plan to harness the genius of anonymous Internet commentators.”
Marrone’s plan is brilliant. Syracuse has hired two graduate assistants to monitor the blogosphere to harvest the great ideas. He even shared one gem. A Syracuse.com fan named ScarletNites69 noted that “your teem [sic] sux [sic] because there [sic] offense is the worst ever and will not complete no [sic] 30 yard passes all season.” So, after spending several hours debating whether the double negative at the end of that comment was a mistake or not, Marrone and his team are fully resolved to rewrite the offense this year to try to complete more of those 30+ yard passes. No more striving for incompletions and interceptions.
The Confidential’s own research has unearthed several brilliant comments that may or may not end up being utilized by Marrone and his staff:
- OrangePreTeen11 noted–“our defense would be better if the defense can be where the other offense has the ball more often.”
- StalkingFrankReich noted–“Not sure why Marrone is beholden to Nassib. That cute backup Loeb is the real deal–why are we going to waste his talents on the sidelines in favor of a Senior who has never taken Syracuse to even ONE Super Bowl? How many chances does this guy get?”
- CuseGramps noted–“Syracuse won a national championship with Jim Brown. We just need to recruit more guys like Jim Brown.”
- James1983 noted–“I coached High School football at a big time program. Marrone just needs to tell these guys to block and tackle. Obviously, he is not doing that.”
- Cap_10_Ille noted–“Syracuse needs to pass on 1st down, run on 2nd down, and then pass on 3rd down. Every series. That will keep the defense off guard. If they run on first down even once this year, I am cancelling my season tickets.”
“Everyone knows that the most talented and experienced advisors are not wasting their Saturdays and Sundays on the sidelines,” added a rival coach who preferred to remain anonymous, “but instead are impressing their friends and family with their superior knowledge of sports from the comfy confines of their livings rooms.” Other top-tier programs have secretly relied heavily on call-in radio shows to get expertise advice on how they should have played the game better, but Syracuse has upped the ante. Look for big things from Syracuse this year.
by Anthony Caffrey & Matt Caffrey