Budget-Strapped Rutgers Hires Undocumented Immigrant as Head Coach

(Satire-burg, NJ).  The Big 10 went bargain shopping went it dangled membership in front of cash-strapped Maryland and Rutgers.  The B1G’s spare change was more than enough to have those two schools running around giddy like Julia Roberts shopping on Richard Gere’s dime in Pretty Woman.  But Maryland and Rutgers are reportedly not receiving a full share just yet.  And both schools now need to make coaching changes despite the tight economic circumstances.  For Rutgers, unfortunately, the budget for a football staff is not what it used to be.  Thus, Rutgers has hired an undocumented immigrant as its new head football coach.  There are no details on the name of the new hire yet.

As we all know, immigration is particularly controversial.  On the one hand, you have Democrats like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  On the other hand, you have Democrats Republicans like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  The “divide” on this issue will cause billions of dollars in political ads to ruin your life for the next 12 months.  And then there is Donald Trump, who wants to do some things that make all of the above angry at him.  Good times.

But what seems to be the prevailing wisdom (i.e. likely not true) is that immigrants, particularly undocumented ones, are at the very least willing to do jobs that non-immigrants are apparently unwilling to do.  You can think of some examples.  And then add to that list–coaching football for Rutgers.

The challenges are heavy for any Rutgers football coach.  First, Rutgers is an ongoing dumpster fire.  See here and here.  And that was before the school launched an investigation into its head coach for various and sundry things.  Second, Rutgers is in a division with Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State.  That’s all.  Third, the hire will be working for an A.D. that is coming over from the law school.  Because, yeah, there is no better training ground for an athletic department than running a law school.  Finally, it is Rutgers.

Although little is known about the new hire, he reportedly has a long history of playing futbol.  Apparently, from the time he was 5, it has been his passion.  And, in all candor, he was willing to take the job.  For Rutgers, however, the big selling point is that he is willing to not only take the job, but accept a very reasonable salary to run the football program for at least a year.  And with that, a match was made.

It will be interesting to see if Rutgers can turn this action into a success.  If so, look for other cash-strapped Universities to follow Rutgers’ lead.  Or perhaps take it one step further by outsourcing the assistant coaching responsibilities to India.

At least there may be a reason to watch Rutgers next year.

Nah.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door. Oh, and please no ISIS. And perhaps a Rutgers coach.” Image courtesy of https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_liberty_01.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

Who Needs Bill Simmons?

The Confidential will step in:

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Notwithstanding this satire, the Confidential is a big fan of Simmons–even owning two of his books.  But he has gotten a bit stale of late, no?  It was fun when he shared our misery–misery that only a fan of a down team or school could appreciate.  The worst thing that happened was the Boston area teams thriving.  The next worst thing was deciding that his readers cared more about the NBA than baseball/football.  Easy for us to say, we don’t have a big NBA gig.  Carry on, Sports Guy, carry on.

Clemson and Oregon Schedule Home and Home for 2077 & 2082

If you are a fan of college football, you get excited when two marquee programs agree to play each other in the future.  Who can wait for Texas- Michigan in 2021?  And Notre Dame-Florida State in 2024?  We cannot.

And the prospects of any game featuring the high-powered offense of Chad Morris for the Clemson Tigers or the super-high octane offense of the Oregon Ducks get the proverbial juices flowing. Well, what if the two teams played each other?  How much fun would that be?  Well, you will get your wish.  Sort of.  The Clemson Tigers and Oregon Ducks have agreed to a Home and Home in 2077 & 2082.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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GERG for NFL Commissioner Campaign!

Look, the time has come for the NFL to begin thinking about its next commissioner.  The embattled Roger Goodell is losing public support rampantly, and the NFL now has to investigate itself.  This cannot end well.  It is just a matter of time before the NFL begins looking for its next NFL commissioner.  And the Confidential thinks that the NFL should consider Greg “GERG” Robinson.  Consider…

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The ACC Laff-a-Lympics

A favorite Saturday morning show growing up (before College football, natch) was Hannah-Barbera’s “Laff-a-Lympics” which featured a cadre of popular HB characters competing as teams in zany sporting competitions, races, and scavenger hunts.

The Confidential started to wonder…if the ACC were in the “Laff-a-lympics”, which characters would best represent the schools?

Here are just some of the matches that we could come up with:  Continue reading

ACC to 16…Navy to Get Notre Dame-esque Scheduling Deal From ACC

The Atlantic Coast Conference did not drive the recent expansion like the Big 10, but it has been very very involved nonetheless.  Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and Louisville are full members.  Maryland is exiting.  Notre Dame has a quasi-membership for football and a full-membership otherwise.  In a move that is somewhat shocking, but perhaps not VERY shocking, the reports are that Navy will be joining the ACC in a deal akin to Notre Dame’s, only with far less compensation.  See link to article below.

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A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

As much as it pains me to say, please disregard my previous letter asking for $1,000,000 and Luke Kuechly to be my boyfriend; instead I’d like to make a more selfless request.

This Christmas, I’d like it if you and your elves could conjure up a Clemson win this post season. It would really mean a lot to me, my family, and the rest of the Clemson faithful. I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of letters from Buckeye fans, Gamecock fans, and Jesse Palmer, asking for a Clemson loss, but I really hope you’ll consider my request. Here are some cold hard facts as to why you should give me what I want grant my wish:

1. I’ve been good this year—I graduated and became a proud Clemson alumni, joined IPTAY to show my support for Clemson athletes, and I continue to pay my student loans on time (Joy to the World!)

2. It’s Tajh Boyd’s last game—Tajh has been a true blessing to the Clemson program and I’d really hate to see him go out on a sour note. Breaking all kinds of ACC and school records, he will go down as one of, if not the best quarterback in Clemson history. This win could be the cherry on top to an already outstanding career.

3. You look really good in Orange—Look! Seriously, you’re killin’ it.

Clemson Santa

4.  Last time Clemson played Ohio State we didn’t punch anyone—this is a no brainer. Last time we played the Buckeyes it was 1978. Their coach literally grabbed Clemson middle linebacker, Charlie Bauman, and punched him through the facemask after he caught an interception. Shouldn’t they be punished? 36 years later. Sure the coach was fired, but I still feel like the whole team hasn’t fully felt those repercussions.

5.  Finally, Clemson doesn’t just need this win, the entire ACC needs it—please consider this selfless request not only on the behalf of my Clemson Tigers, but on the rest of the ACC as well. Try as we might to become a strong football conference, it just hasn’t happened yet. With a Clemson win, you’d be showing the nation that the ACC can produce teams that win…even without that SEC speed.

Merry Christmas and I’ll be looking for you on Santa tracker.

Sincerely,

Mary Stewart Bailey

P.S. If you’re feeling extra jolly, I won’t turn away a million dollar stocking stuffer.