The Atlantic Coast Conference did not drive the recent expansion like the Big 10, but it has been very very involved nonetheless. Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and Louisville are full members. Maryland is exiting. Notre Dame has a quasi-membership for football and a full-membership otherwise. In a move that is somewhat shocking, but perhaps not VERY shocking, the reports are that Navy will be joining the ACC in a deal akin to Notre Dame’s, only with far less compensation. See link to article below.
(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST) Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented. The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:
- The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016). Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year. He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
- The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips. Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
- The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
- The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves. Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
- The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
- Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
- SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland). During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
- BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility. If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.
- Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
- Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS
- The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
- Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
- Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018
At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami. Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.
As much as it pains me to say, please disregard my previous letter asking for $1,000,000 and Luke Kuechly to be my boyfriend; instead I’d like to make a more selfless request.
This Christmas, I’d like it if you and your elves could conjure up a Clemson win this post season. It would really mean a lot to me, my family, and the rest of the Clemson faithful. I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of letters from Buckeye fans, Gamecock fans, and Jesse Palmer, asking for a Clemson loss, but I really hope you’ll consider my request. Here are some cold hard facts as to why you should give me what I want grant my wish:
1. I’ve been good this year—I graduated and became a proud Clemson alumni, joined IPTAY to show my support for Clemson athletes, and I continue to pay my student loans on time (Joy to the World!)
2. It’s Tajh Boyd’s last game—Tajh has been a true blessing to the Clemson program and I’d really hate to see him go out on a sour note. Breaking all kinds of ACC and school records, he will go down as one of, if not the best quarterback in Clemson history. This win could be the cherry on top to an already outstanding career.
3. You look really good in Orange—Look! Seriously, you’re killin’ it.
4. Last time Clemson played Ohio State we didn’t punch anyone—this is a no brainer. Last time we played the Buckeyes it was 1978. Their coach literally grabbed Clemson middle linebacker, Charlie Bauman, and punched him through the facemask after he caught an interception. Shouldn’t they be punished? 36 years later. Sure the coach was fired, but I still feel like the whole team hasn’t fully felt those repercussions.
5. Finally, Clemson doesn’t just need this win, the entire ACC needs it—please consider this selfless request not only on the behalf of my Clemson Tigers, but on the rest of the ACC as well. Try as we might to become a strong football conference, it just hasn’t happened yet. With a Clemson win, you’d be showing the nation that the ACC can produce teams that win…even without that SEC speed.
Merry Christmas and I’ll be looking for you on Santa tracker.
Mary Stewart Bailey
P.S. If you’re feeling extra jolly, I won’t turn away a million dollar stocking stuffer.
Disclaimer: the following article contains some sarcasm. No wolves or wolf mascots were harmed in the making of this post.
Place: a crowded operating room at a hospital in Boston, Mass. Date: Saturday afternoon, November 16th.
A gaggle (sorry, don’t get to use that word much) of doctors, nurses and medical techs encircle an exam table. They are frantic, especially the one holding the two paddles in the air over the patient. “Clear!!” he yells.
To any Syracuse fans that have been unable to drink-away the painful memories of the Greg Robinson Era, the words “Orange Pride” – a phrase that GRob tried to popularize, and even had painted inside the walls of the football facilities – bring back terrible memories of lousy football, lopsided final scores, and ugly uniforms. In fact, one of the first things that former Head Coach, Doug Marrone did upon taking over the reigns at Syracuse was to paint over the large words, along with other cleansing techniques including burning the players’ old cleats, as a way of starting over without the bad mojo.
Despite the fact that Syracuse’s practices have been closed to the public for the final two weeks of preseason camp, there have been reports that new Head Coach Scott Shafer and Athletic Director Darryl Gross have been working on one way in particular to highlight the players’ pride: Helmet Stickers. Continue reading
It is being reported that ESPN News is going to broadcast the amnesty selection of highly-recruited leaker/traitor, Edward Snowden, the former government contractor that leaked confidential information from the NSA. Continue reading
The rage in college sports lately has been the one-up-manship in ugly uniforms, fields, and courts. Attention-seeking Athletic Directors and corporations are more than willing to put their stamp on college athletics in order to drive more business or exposure for their respective products. The Confidential believes its only a matter of time before teams in the ACC get behind this trend as well, so here are some suggestions for ACC team home courts that we would like to see: Continue reading
In the wake of USC offering a scholarship to an 8th grader, and perhaps a bit nervous with the departure of Chip Kelly, the Oregon Ducks coaching staff has beaten USC to the punch with Mason Disick, child of Kourtney Kardashian and someone (probably Scott Disick). The Ducks have offered young Disick a scholarship for 2028.
Mordor Park Ridge, Illinois) There is stunning news developing in Big 10 country, where the Big Ten Presidents are considering a vote to rescind Rutgers’ invitation to join the conference amid the (cough**dumpster fire that is Rutgers’ Athletic Department**cough) past three months scandals that have embroiled the school. See here and here.
Because Rutgers is not fully integrated into the Committee on Institutional Cooperation (CIC), which was expected on or about July 1, 2013, this remains possible but the Big Ten must move quickly to exercise this option.
Former Rutgers Athletic Director, Tim Pernetti, called it a sad day in Rutgers history and immediately started working on the University’s “resignation” letter for the Big Ten.
Although Big 10 fans deemed the addition of Maryland and Rutgers to be as exciting as a stale fig newton, and were looking forward to mediocre football games between the State University of New Jersey and Illinois, the move was an attempt to profit from the media-heavy NY/NJ market. As a speculative add, however, the gamble was on the long-term success. But the numerous short-term embarrassments are proving too much for the most proud conference this side of the Ivy League. Thus, while it may take a few days to finalize, the Big 10-Rutgers marriage is over.
Upon hearing of the news, Rutgers’ ex-basketball coach Mike Rice resumed throwing basketball at random people’s heads and yelling profanities.