Budget-Strapped Rutgers Hires Undocumented Immigrant as Head Coach

(Satire-burg, NJ).  The Big 10 went bargain shopping went it dangled membership in front of cash-strapped Maryland and Rutgers.  The B1G’s spare change was more than enough to have those two schools running around giddy like Julia Roberts shopping on Richard Gere’s dime in Pretty Woman.  But Maryland and Rutgers are reportedly not receiving a full share just yet.  And both schools now need to make coaching changes despite the tight economic circumstances.  For Rutgers, unfortunately, the budget for a football staff is not what it used to be.  Thus, Rutgers has hired an undocumented immigrant as its new head football coach.  There are no details on the name of the new hire yet.

As we all know, immigration is particularly controversial.  On the one hand, you have Democrats like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  On the other hand, you have Democrats Republicans like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  The “divide” on this issue will cause billions of dollars in political ads to ruin your life for the next 12 months.  And then there is Donald Trump, who wants to do some things that make all of the above angry at him.  Good times.

But what seems to be the prevailing wisdom (i.e. likely not true) is that immigrants, particularly undocumented ones, are at the very least willing to do jobs that non-immigrants are apparently unwilling to do.  You can think of some examples.  And then add to that list–coaching football for Rutgers.

The challenges are heavy for any Rutgers football coach.  First, Rutgers is an ongoing dumpster fire.  See here and here.  And that was before the school launched an investigation into its head coach for various and sundry things.  Second, Rutgers is in a division with Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State.  That’s all.  Third, the hire will be working for an A.D. that is coming over from the law school.  Because, yeah, there is no better training ground for an athletic department than running a law school.  Finally, it is Rutgers.

Although little is known about the new hire, he reportedly has a long history of playing futbol.  Apparently, from the time he was 5, it has been his passion.  And, in all candor, he was willing to take the job.  For Rutgers, however, the big selling point is that he is willing to not only take the job, but accept a very reasonable salary to run the football program for at least a year.  And with that, a match was made.

It will be interesting to see if Rutgers can turn this action into a success.  If so, look for other cash-strapped Universities to follow Rutgers’ lead.  Or perhaps take it one step further by outsourcing the assistant coaching responsibilities to India.

At least there may be a reason to watch Rutgers next year.

Nah.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door. Oh, and please no ISIS. And perhaps a Rutgers coach.” Image courtesy of https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_liberty_01.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

ACC Suspends Refs for Violating Pro-Duke Agenda!

(Coach K’s Lap ACC Headquarters): To the surprise of anyone who has ever watched a Duke University game in any sport, the referees at the end of Saturday’s Duke-Miami football game inexplicably made several decisions that failed to benefit Duke.  What is not surprising–of course–is that Atlantic Coast Conference has acted quickly by  suspending those referees.

There are a number of Internet sources that have attempted to document the pro-Duke agenda:

And that is just from the first two pages of one Internet search.  Admittedly, unless you are a Duke fan, you have always suspected that Duke got favorable calls.  In any event, who can forget Jim Boeheim losing his suit coat over the conclusion to a Duke-Syracuse game?

Well, if you had any doubts, the ACC has acted swiftly in suspending the referees from the Duke-Miami game for two weeks.  ACC commissioner John Swofford had this to say:

The Atlantic Coast Conference prides itself on academics, athletics, and ensuring that Duke University receive as many favorable calls and outcomes as possible.  The referees in the Duke-Miami game flawlessly implemented that agenda in the final minutes of the game with a variety of calls against Miami, but then inexcusably failed to do so on the final play.  To the extent that this group believed, erroneously, that Duke must be given an even playing field in football, they have been disabused of such a notion and punished appropriately.

As it stands now, the scoreboard for pro-Duke and anti-Duke officiating outcome resides squarely at 62-1.  The ACC’s ruling will certainly have a chilling impact on calls against Duke for the foreseeable future, so look for that margin to increase.

Who Needs Bill Simmons?

The Confidential will step in:

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Notwithstanding this satire, the Confidential is a big fan of Simmons–even owning two of his books.  But he has gotten a bit stale of late, no?  It was fun when he shared our misery–misery that only a fan of a down team or school could appreciate.  The worst thing that happened was the Boston area teams thriving.  The next worst thing was deciding that his readers cared more about the NBA than baseball/football.  Easy for us to say, we don’t have a big NBA gig.  Carry on, Sports Guy, carry on.

The NCAA is Going Bowl Crazy

Earlier this week, there was a report that the not-for-profit NCAA is considering the addition of four new bowls to its already bloated bowl schedule.  That generated ample discussion on social media, of course, as it would open the door for some sub .500 teams to potentially go bowling.  Now, news out of NCAA headquarters (i.e. Coach K’s lap) is that the NCAA is strongly considering a change to the bowl format to allow every single FBS program to attend a bowl!  Every. Single.  Team.  Consider this the NCAA’s diving head first into the “every player gets a trophy” deep end of the mediocrity swimming pool.  It is official.  The NCAA is going bowl crazy.

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Clemson and Oregon Schedule Home and Home for 2077 & 2082

If you are a fan of college football, you get excited when two marquee programs agree to play each other in the future.  Who can wait for Texas- Michigan in 2021?  And Notre Dame-Florida State in 2024?  We cannot.

And the prospects of any game featuring the high-powered offense of Chad Morris for the Clemson Tigers or the super-high octane offense of the Oregon Ducks get the proverbial juices flowing. Well, what if the two teams played each other?  How much fun would that be?  Well, you will get your wish.  Sort of.  The Clemson Tigers and Oregon Ducks have agreed to a Home and Home in 2077 & 2082.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More…

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GERG for NFL Commissioner Campaign!

Look, the time has come for the NFL to begin thinking about its next commissioner.  The embattled Roger Goodell is losing public support rampantly, and the NFL now has to investigate itself.  This cannot end well.  It is just a matter of time before the NFL begins looking for its next NFL commissioner.  And the Confidential thinks that the NFL should consider Greg “GERG” Robinson.  Consider…

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The ACC Laff-a-Lympics

A favorite Saturday morning show growing up (before College football, natch) was Hannah-Barbera’s “Laff-a-Lympics” which featured a cadre of popular HB characters competing as teams in zany sporting competitions, races, and scavenger hunts.

The Confidential started to wonder…if the ACC were in the “Laff-a-lympics”, which characters would best represent the schools?

Here are just some of the matches that we could come up with:  Continue reading