Who Needs Bill Simmons?

The Confidential will step in:

NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Real World V NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA The Red Sox NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA The Patriots NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Mailbag Question NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Isaiah Thomas NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Wrestling NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA BA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Real World V NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA The Red Sox NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA Shawshank Redemption NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA The Patriots NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA NBA

Notwithstanding this satire, the Confidential is a big fan of Simmons–even owning two of his books.  But he has gotten a bit stale of late, no?  It was fun when he shared our misery–misery that only a fan of a down team or school could appreciate.  The worst thing that happened was the Boston area teams thriving.  The next worst thing was deciding that his readers cared more about the NBA than baseball/football.  Easy for us to say, we don’t have a big NBA gig.  Carry on, Sports Guy, carry on.

The NCAA is Going Bowl Crazy

Earlier this week, there was a report that the not-for-profit NCAA is considering the addition of four new bowls to its already bloated bowl schedule.  That generated ample discussion on social media, of course, as it would open the door for some sub .500 teams to potentially go bowling.  Now, news out of NCAA headquarters (i.e. Coach K’s lap) is that the NCAA is strongly considering a change to the bowl format to allow every single FBS program to attend a bowl!  Every. Single.  Team.  Consider this the NCAA’s diving head first into the “every player gets a trophy” deep end of the mediocrity swimming pool.  It is official.  The NCAA is going bowl crazy.

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Clemson and Oregon Schedule Home and Home for 2077 & 2082

If you are a fan of college football, you get excited when two marquee programs agree to play each other in the future.  Who can wait for Texas- Michigan in 2021?  And Notre Dame-Florida State in 2024?  We cannot.

And the prospects of any game featuring the high-powered offense of Chad Morris for the Clemson Tigers or the super-high octane offense of the Oregon Ducks get the proverbial juices flowing. Well, what if the two teams played each other?  How much fun would that be?  Well, you will get your wish.  Sort of.  The Clemson Tigers and Oregon Ducks have agreed to a Home and Home in 2077 & 2082.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More…

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GERG for NFL Commissioner Campaign!

Look, the time has come for the NFL to begin thinking about its next commissioner.  The embattled Roger Goodell is losing public support rampantly, and the NFL now has to investigate itself.  This cannot end well.  It is just a matter of time before the NFL begins looking for its next NFL commissioner.  And the Confidential thinks that the NFL should consider Greg “GERG” Robinson.  Consider…

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The ACC Laff-a-Lympics

A favorite Saturday morning show growing up (before College football, natch) was Hannah-Barbera’s “Laff-a-Lympics” which featured a cadre of popular HB characters competing as teams in zany sporting competitions, races, and scavenger hunts.

The Confidential started to wonder…if the ACC were in the “Laff-a-lympics”, which characters would best represent the schools?

Here are just some of the matches that we could come up with:  Continue reading

ACC to 16…Navy to Get Notre Dame-esque Scheduling Deal From ACC

The Atlantic Coast Conference did not drive the recent expansion like the Big 10, but it has been very very involved nonetheless.  Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and Louisville are full members.  Maryland is exiting.  Notre Dame has a quasi-membership for football and a full-membership otherwise.  In a move that is somewhat shocking, but perhaps not VERY shocking, the reports are that Navy will be joining the ACC in a deal akin to Notre Dame’s, only with far less compensation.  See link to article below.

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Throwback Thursday: Satire Piece on Miami Hurricanes Facing Truly Unprecedented Penalties!

(Originally published on August 3, 2012)

(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST)   Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented.  The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:

FOOTBALL SANCTIONS:

  • The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016).  Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year.  He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
  • The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips.  Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
  • The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
  • The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves.  Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
  • The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
  • Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
  • SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland).  During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
  • BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility.  If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.

BASKETBALL SANCTIONS:

  • Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
  • Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS

  • The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
  • Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
  • Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018

At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami.  Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.