Throwback Thursday: Satire Piece on Miami Hurricanes Facing Truly Unprecedented Penalties!

(Originally published on August 3, 2012)

(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST)   Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented.  The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:

FOOTBALL SANCTIONS:

  • The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016).  Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year.  He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
  • The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips.  Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
  • The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
  • The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves.  Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
  • The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
  • Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
  • SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland).  During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
  • BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility.  If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.

BASKETBALL SANCTIONS:

  • Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
  • Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS

  • The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
  • Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
  • Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018

At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami.  Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.

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Whither the Wolfpack? The remaining schedule

So this past week was a bit of a downer for the Pack following the rout loss at UNC.  It might have been OK if it were even close, but the Pack was trounced in the first half and while the second was better, let’s face it, the Heels really didn’t have to try anymore.

Just as an exercise in getting our collective minds off that game, let’s take a look at the remaining schedule and make some predictions: Continue reading

ACC Attendance by the numbers

An interesting point was made by acaffrey in the comments section of his recent article regarding potential division realignment in the ACC and the ramifications of moving to a schedule with 10 conference games.

The schools that pack their stadiums need 6 or 7 home games a year.

Coincidentally, I started compiling the attendance data for ACC home games just before the end of the regular season but never got around to completing a full post. So, it was a good reminder and a perfect opportunity to look deeper at which schools can boast the best attendance. Continue reading

Highlights of the 2014 BCS Discover Orange Bowl

 

1.       Winning the 2014 BCS Orange Bowl—Awwwww yeah! It literally came down to the last minute when Ohio State was down 40-35 with the ball at the 50 yard line. Braxton Miller threw a beautiful interception, caught by Clemson’s own Stephone Anthony. This sealed the deal for the Tigers and bonus points: Urban Meyer didn’t react by punching Anthony in the throat.

2.       Tajh Boyd—In his final game as a Clemson Tiger, Tajh went out with a bang. As Dabo Swinney said, “He put an exclamation point on his legacy.” Tajh finished the game with five touchdowns and 505 all-purpose yards, 78 more yards than the Ohio State Buckeyes. We’re really going to miss his leadership and I can’t wait to see him play on Sunday’s.

3.       Dabo Swinney—You could probably make a highlight reel of just Dabo after the game, he was animated to say the least. Personally, his best moment was this magnificent sound bite, “we are the first team from the state of South Carolina to ever win a BCS game”. Ah yes, not only did we get the sweet victory but getting to rub it in Steve Spurrier’s face doesn’t hurt either. For whatever reason, if any Gamecocks are reading this, I say, suck it up. Spurrier is no angel in this fight. You’re mad because Dabo’s comment was the truth and it was said on a bigger national stage. You know, seeing as it was the stage of a BCS Bowl. BOOM, roasted.*

4. Sammy Watkins—Saving the best for last. Sammy set an Orange Bowl record with 16 receptions and a Clemson and Orange Bowl record with 227 receiving yards. He was unbelievable. With an average of 14.2 yards per catch, he was Tajh Boyd’s go to receiver and his talent is going to be greatly missed. As a true junior, Sammy has declared for the NFL Draft. While we’ll miss his lightning speed and magnetic hands, he’ll represent Clemson well in the NFL next season.

Honorable Mentions:

  • The Clemson Defense—While the score might reflect a shootout, it was truly entertaining watching the Tigers contain Ohio State QB, Braxton Miller, to a mere 35 yards rushing. They completely shut him down on the ground. With 18 carries, he rushed an average 1.9 yards per carry, his lowest of the season.
  • Santa Claus—if you read my last article, the only thing on my Christmas list was a Clemson win. Ole’ Saint Nick pulled through. Thanks big guy.
  • The Referee’s—One song comes to mind when trying to describe the officiating from Friday night, “these boys can’t hold us back, these boys can’t hold us back, we too deep (ay, ay)”. The anthem of a generation Clemson Football. Good try ref’s, you’ll need some more flags to stop this excessive celebration.

Check out the video here:

 

 

*Let the record show I have a much deeper opinion on this matter but for lack of reader attention span will not disclose it here.

Cardageddon

This past weekend featured two huge match ups for Louisville which culminated into one epic Saturday. First up was the hardwood rivalry game with Kentucky in corRUPPt arena. N Carolina and Duke is the greatest basketball conference rivalry but Kentucky and Louisville is the greatest non conference hoops rivalry. Playing your rival ONCE a year adds a little extra to the game, in my opinion. From the time they tipped off shortly after 4pm until the buzzer sounded around 6:30 it was a dog fight. Ultimately it was the Cards coming out on the losing end of the 66-73 final score.
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The Confidential ACC Football Top 10 Poll: Week 15

Well, another football season is behind us.  The regular season, anyway.  There is a lot to decide yet regarding bowl games and such.  But, alas, it is time for the final regular season Confidential Correspondents ACC football poll.  For fun, let’s take a quick look at the Week 1 poll results:

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ACC Bowl Projections: 11-teams

The Confidential has been saying for weeks now that the ACC had a great chance of getting 11 bowl-eligible teams and detailed the scenarios needed to make it happen. I’m very proud to report that the scenarios we projected occurred almost exactly to plan.

The good news is that, thanks to Syracuse’s win over Boston College to close out their regular season, the Orange are now 6-6 and are bowl eligible for the second consecutive year. Furthermore, the ACC can now boast that they have 11 teams that are eligible for post-season play. That’s a record for the Conference and matches the SEC’s best.

The bad news is that thanks to Clemson’s complete meltdown on National TV against their in-state rivals, the ACC is likely to only have 1 representative in the BCS. Granted that one representative will likely be Florida State in the National Championship Game, but losing out on a 2nd BCS team not only means lost revenue (approx. $18M) but also makes it more difficult to find bowl sites for the remaining 9 bowl eligible teams.

Worst of all, that means that there is a good chance that at least one bowl-eligible team from a Power Conference will not be invited to a bowl game this year. Currently Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and North Carolina are all on the bubble. Continue reading

The Confidential’s ACC Football Top 10 Poll: Week 13

There are now a clear #1 and #2 in the ACC right now, then it gets crazy.  Anyway, here is the Confidential Correspondents Football top 10 Poll for Week 13.  Remember, we include Notre Dame and Louisville.  This year, we’ll start with team number 10 and work our way to #1.

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ACC Bowl Picture: the Quest for 11 teams

Week 13 ended in the ACC and the bowl picture is one-step closer to being finalized. As this blog has been projecting for the past few weeks, the ACC is still on track to place 11 teams in post season play. Continue reading

The Confidential’s ACC Football Top 10 Poll: Week 12

With just a few weeks, the ACC picture is starting to take shape.  A few teams are out of the bowl picture.  Several are locked-in.  But how do they rank?   Here is the Confidential Correspondents Football top 10 Poll for Week 12.  Remember, we include Notre Dame and Louisville.  This week, we’ll start with team number #1 and work our way down to #10–where it gets murkier.

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