North Carolina Academic Probe: Shocking New Details Emerge
(Where FSU Fans Think All The ACC Evil is Concentrated, North Carolina) Well, the Confidential may end up having the proverbial “egg” on its face. The Confidential was just defending North Carolina in its academic probe. However, shocking new details are emerging that suggest the Confidential was, simply, 100% wrong. Please accept our apology.
The reason for this about-face is that the Confidential was able to obtain a copy of the secret North Carolina Athletic Department’s Course Guide. Although the Confidential promised its fictional sources not to distribute a copy of the guide, the Confidential does have permission to provide some excerpts. Judge for yourself just how ridiculous the course offerings were for athletes at North Carolina in recent years:
- ENGLISH 106: LIMERICKS, HAIKU, and BATHROOM GRAFFITI. Description: Not just for the Irish, Japanese, and people who use urinals, students in this class will hone their creative skills by writing short, attention getting pieces. This class involves a midterm, as well as a field trip involving bar hopping so that students to demonstrate their skills in real life situations. Note: This class is a prerequisite for ENGLISH 107: RAP FOR WHITE GUYS/ADVANCED RHYMING.
- BIOLOGY 108: NATURE -n- STUFF. Description: This class provides students an opportunity to check out nature. Whether you like looking at the sky, looking at animals, looking at plants, or looking at rocks, you’ll get to check it all out in this class. Note: Now that the Lab requirement has been removed, this class is only 3 credit hours.
- PSYCHOLOGY 221: STRIPPERS, LEVEL 1. Description: The strippers series of classes focuses on trying to determine why strippers became strippers, a complex interplay of both psychology and sociology. The entry level class is tailored so that students can begin to identify strippers and distinguish them from non-strippers. Note: Class Fee of $50, which provides a 3-month pass to The Chapel Hill Gentlemen’s Club, two non-alcoholic beverages, and one lap dance.
- STATISTICS 111: SPORTS STATS. Description: The use of statistics to measure performance in sports is well known. This class focuses on how to calculate various sports statistics, including (a) simple categories, such as wins and touchdowns; (b) average categories, such as points per game; and (c) advanced stats, such as slugging percentage. Note: Prerequisite for Sports Stats II, which covers earned run average, QB rating, and win-shares.
- ART 108: LEGOS(R). Description: Once merely a child’s toy, Legos are now a well-recognized medium for artistic expression. Students will have to demonstrate the ability to both secure the blocks together and to do so in a way that makes some sort of sense.
- COMMUNICATIONS 122: DISCUSSING TV. Description: Students will have the opportunity to survey and analyze television shows and discuss them with other classmates. Note: This class requires biweekly 140 character essays to be submitted via twitter and/or text message.
- HEALTH 114: JOCKS FOR JOCKS. Description: Beginning with a historical look at the athletic protector and protective cup in primitive times, students will study the evolution of these safety devices as well as the proper way to purchase, wear, and clean same.
And the Confidential did not even bother to print the descriptions for classes, such as HISTORY 155: NEWS TODAY; ECONOMICS 144: AGENTS AND BOOKIES; GEOLOGY 113: GEODES AND MARBLES; and SOCIOLOGY 130: UNDERSTANDING YOUR POSSE. Needless to say, this curriculum guide truly does call into question the education that athletes are receiving at North Carolina.