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The Confidential

The ACC Sports Blog

Archive for the tag “Non-Serious”

Budget-Strapped Rutgers Hires Undocumented Immigrant as Head Coach

(Satire-burg, NJ).  The Big 10 went bargain shopping went it dangled membership in front of cash-strapped Maryland and Rutgers.  The B1G’s spare change was more than enough to have those two schools running around giddy like Julia Roberts shopping on Richard Gere’s dime in Pretty Woman.  But Maryland and Rutgers are reportedly not receiving a full share just yet.  And both schools now need to make coaching changes despite the tight economic circumstances.  For Rutgers, unfortunately, the budget for a football staff is not what it used to be.  Thus, Rutgers has hired an undocumented immigrant as its new head football coach.  There are no details on the name of the new hire yet.

As we all know, immigration is particularly controversial.  On the one hand, you have Democrats like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  On the other hand, you have Democrats Republicans like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  The “divide” on this issue will cause billions of dollars in political ads to ruin your life for the next 12 months.  And then there is Donald Trump, who wants to do some things that make all of the above angry at him.  Good times.

But what seems to be the prevailing wisdom (i.e. likely not true) is that immigrants, particularly undocumented ones, are at the very least willing to do jobs that non-immigrants are apparently unwilling to do.  You can think of some examples.  And then add to that list–coaching football for Rutgers.

The challenges are heavy for any Rutgers football coach.  First, Rutgers is an ongoing dumpster fire.  See here and here.  And that was before the school launched an investigation into its head coach for various and sundry things.  Second, Rutgers is in a division with Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State.  That’s all.  Third, the hire will be working for an A.D. that is coming over from the law school.  Because, yeah, there is no better training ground for an athletic department than running a law school.  Finally, it is Rutgers.

Although little is known about the new hire, he reportedly has a long history of playing futbol.  Apparently, from the time he was 5, it has been his passion.  And, in all candor, he was willing to take the job.  For Rutgers, however, the big selling point is that he is willing to not only take the job, but accept a very reasonable salary to run the football program for at least a year.  And with that, a match was made.

It will be interesting to see if Rutgers can turn this action into a success.  If so, look for other cash-strapped Universities to follow Rutgers’ lead.  Or perhaps take it one step further by outsourcing the assistant coaching responsibilities to India.

At least there may be a reason to watch Rutgers next year.

Nah.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door. Oh, and please no ISIS. And perhaps a Rutgers coach.” Image courtesy of https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_liberty_01.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

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Clemson and Oregon Schedule Home and Home for 2077 & 2082

If you are a fan of college football, you get excited when two marquee programs agree to play each other in the future.  Who can wait for Texas- Michigan in 2021?  And Notre Dame-Florida State in 2024?  We cannot.

And the prospects of any game featuring the high-powered offense of Chad Morris for the Clemson Tigers or the super-high octane offense of the Oregon Ducks get the proverbial juices flowing. Well, what if the two teams played each other?  How much fun would that be?  Well, you will get your wish.  Sort of.  The Clemson Tigers and Oregon Ducks have agreed to a Home and Home in 2077 & 2082.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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GERG for NFL Commissioner Campaign!

Look, the time has come for the NFL to begin thinking about its next commissioner.  The embattled Roger Goodell is losing public support rampantly, and the NFL now has to investigate itself.  This cannot end well.  It is just a matter of time before the NFL begins looking for its next NFL commissioner.  And the Confidential thinks that the NFL should consider Greg “GERG” Robinson.  Consider…

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Oregon Offers Scholarship to Famous Toddler

In the wake of USC offering a scholarship to an 8th grader, and perhaps a bit nervous with the departure of Chip Kelly, the Oregon Ducks coaching staff has beaten USC to the punch with Mason Disick, child of Kourtney Kardashian and someone (probably Scott Disick).  The Ducks have offered young Disick a scholarship for 2028.

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More New Bowls Coming to NCAA Football

It has recently been reported that the Detroit Lions, having mastered the art of running a successful professional football team, are going to sponsor a bowl game in the ultimate holiday destination of Detroit, Michigan.  As a resident of the Detroit metropolitan area, I can make say that without it being offensive, fyi.  In any event, this new Detroit Lions Rust Bowl, or whatever it will be called, has opened the floodgates to numerous new bowls being contemplated/rumored, within even more atypical partners, such as:

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Huge News: West Virginia to ACC in 2014-2015!

The ACC and West Virginia have scheduled a press conference for 3:00 p.m. today to announce that the Mountaineers will become a full-time member in the ACC for the 2014-2015 season.  West Virginia was able to extricate itself from the Grant of Rights on the basis that both sides just felt that it was a mistake, couple with the fact that Brigham Young is finally ready to join the Big XII.  With 13 teams being unwieldy, and no suitable schools for a 14th, this just made the most sense.  The oft-discussed cooperative efforts of the Big XII and the ACC came into play obviously too.

Winners:  West Virginia, obviously.  Gets to reinvigorate rivalries with Pitt, Syracuse, and Virginia Tech.  The ACC–gets a football school to help placate the masses, while awaiting a Notre Dame decision.  The Big XII–West Virginia was always a geographical outlier.  BYU–they almost lost out on being at the grown-up’s table.  This salvages that.  The Big East leftovers–this stabilizes expansion for a while.  Hopefully.

Losers: Connecticut and Cincinnati.  They are plainly on the outside right now.   They will have to wait for defections from the ACC, which seem a bit less likely now.  Marylandwho considers West Virginia a rival, for some reason.

Big Losers: Us, for posting this April Fool’s Joke in such a very cruel manner.   Those people who will not realize that this is an April Fool’s Joke and/or post on Twitter that it is.  Nobody likes a spoiler.

Al Pacino to Play JoePa In Movie? The Confidential Predicts the Rest of the Cast…

Word on the Interwebs is that Al Pacino is attached to play Joe Paterno in a movie based on Joe Posnanski’s biography Paterno.  Ok, so be it.  But the Confidential cannot help wonder who will play all the other major players in the Penn State scandal.  Here are the Confidential’s recommendations.

To make life easier, we’ll borrow from the SI.com article listing the key individuals involved with the scandal:

JERRY SANDUSKY:

Jerry Sandusky

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

It’s hard to argue with the great work that William Shatner has done with the Priceline.com commercials.

FORMER PENN STATE PRESIDENT, GRAHAM SPANIER:
Graham Spanier

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

How about Sir Ian McKellan… from Gandalf to Graham.  Just needs to lose the hat and perhaps darken the hair a bit.  Child’s play for Hollywood makeup artists.

Ian McKellen Picture

LOUIS FREEH, AUTHOR OF THE FREEH REPORT THAT LED TO NCAA SANCTIONS:

Louis Freeh

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Sydney Pollack was made for this role.

Sydney Pollack Picture

But with his unfortunate passing, we’ll go with someone a little more Italian-American, Armand Assante.  He will probably have a nice watch, which is essential for the role.

 

TIM CURLEY, FORMER PENN STATE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR:

Tim Curley

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Victor Garber, best known as Agent Jack Bristow on Alias.  Of course, he was also in Titanic–which had a more successful ending than Paterno’s career.   All he needs is some glasses.

Victor Garber Picture

GARY SCHULTZ, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF BUSINESS AND FINANCE:

Gary Schultz

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jeffrey Jones, best known as Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

We also might have considered John Banner, who played Sergeant Schultz on Hogan’s Heroes.  But he passed away 30 years ago.  Oh well.

MIKE MCQUEARY, ASSISTANT COACH/EYEWITNESS:

Mike McQueary

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Crap, they don’t hire red-headed actors anymore.  Ron Howard ruined it for everyone.  By default, the Confidential will go with some guy named Damian Lewis that most of you have probably heard of.

 

SUE PATERNO, FIRST LADY OF PENN STATE FOOTBALL:

Sue Paterno

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Talia Shire.  She was the wife in Rocky.  She was the sister in The Godfather.  I think she is required to be the wife in any movies regarding Italian-Americans.  She’s probably too young, but so is Al Pacino.  Whatever.  Not the Confidential’s problem.

NCAA PRESIDENT MARK EMMERT:

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jon Voight.  C’mon, he can pull it off.

 

What do you think?  Any better suggestions???

Realignment News: SEC Looking at Clemson (+ NC State?) & Florida State Willing to Do Anything to Leave ACC

After a quiet several weeks on the conference realignment front, and despite the football season being 2 days away, here come some more rumors.  Specifically, there is scuttlebutt that the SEC will be looking to add Clemson as its 15th team and then invest some time deciding on which team would be the best fit for team #16.  Naturally, with the ever-wandering eye, Florida State is shaving its legs and hiking up its skirt to attract attention from any conference willing to look its way.

First, the SEC motivation appears based on the desire remove the geographical split and create an All-Tigers pod.  Although the conventional wisdom is that Florida State or Virginia Tech would be the logical 16th team due to prowess, the SEC has long coveted entry into the North Carolina market.  So North Carolina State is actually in the lead for the last spot.  Plus, again, it helps make fun pods.  After all, consider these pods, which are so much smoother with North Carolina State:

  • The Tigers pod: LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Clemson
  • The Dogs & Cats pod: Georgia, Mississippi State, Kentucky, North Carolina State
  • The People pod: Texas A&M, Tennessee, Mississippi, Vanderbilt
  • The Potpourri pod: Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, South Carolina

With all the trouble that the SEC has had trying to figure out a balanced schedule with an East-West split without losing so many important traditional rivalries, it looks like the conference is ready to just throw its hands up in the air and use the nicknames to “randomize” the distribution.

Second, Florida State remains eager to find any conference that will take it away from the Inner Circle of Hell Atlantic Coast Conference.  At this point, the Seminoles are willing to do whatever it takes to convince a conference to allow them to spare them the agony of overreacting to things handed down by the conference.  And we mean anything.  These are the only things that can be printed in this blog:

  • Changing its team nickname to the Tigers to try to get in on the Tigers thing that the SEC obviously has going on;
  • Changing its name to East Texas State to get the Longhorns to cease opposing Big XII expansion;
  • Committing major violations to land on probation so that the B1G will feel more comfortable adding them to the mix of its all-sanctioned kings: Nebraska, Penn State, Ohio State, and Michigan; and
  • Stressing to the “soon-t0-be 65% as rich as the ACC, but also 0% ACC (which is all that matters)” Big East that its basketball team having more success than its football team is a trend that will continue.

To its credit, Florida State is not trying to join the Pac-12.  Although the Florida collegiate system deems its Tampa-university to be “South Florida,” apparently there is SOMEONE in the state who pays a little attention to the map.

Never a dull moment when it comes to real or pretend expansion news.

Nike Uniforms Hit New Low With Georgia Tech’s Alternate Unis

There are few college football fans, and certainly no tradition-respecting fans, that like what the shoe companies are doing to college football uniforms.  From Oregon to Maryland to Notre Dame’s recent abomination, there is apparently some sort of competition to see who can design the worst-looking uniform.  As Frank the Tank described Notre Dame’s unis, “This is what happens when Ed Hardy and a leprechaun have a love child. These uniforms might only be used for one night, but that one night can cause a lifetime of nightmares a la Bjork.”  Well, Frank the Tank, it’s game over.  Just look at the travesty that Georgia Tech is going to roll out as its alternate uniform for its game against Georgia this year.

About the only good thing to say is that Nike is not solely to blame.  These uniforms are the product of a joint effort with Georgia Tech and clothier Joseph A. Banks:

One of Georgia Tech associate athletic directors, who asked to remain anonymous, explained the evolution of these uniforms: “Nike approached us with a few different uniform options, including one that featured antennae on the helmets.  But Nike and Joseph A. Banks were working on a deal to have a certain amount of Nike golf shirts featured in the clothier’s retail outlets.  And somehow they came up with this idea and Mr. Joseph A. Banks himself unveiled the concept.  Yellow Jackets can be taken a lot more literally.  Most importantly, we think that the mock suit look is very appropriate for the genteel, Southern football fan.”

The collaboration between Nike and Joseph A. Banks may be duplicated in the future.  Word is that there are discussions between Adidas, Men’s Warehouse’s Big & Tall Department, and the University of Connecticut on a new uniform for the Big East opener in 2013, much to the delight of Husky fans everywhere.  The Confidential guarantees that you will NOT like the way that they look.  But apparently that’s now the goal with college football uniforms.

North Carolina Academic Probe: Shocking New Details Emerge

(Where FSU Fans Think All The ACC Evil is Concentrated, North Carolina)  Well, the Confidential may end up having the proverbial “egg” on its face.  The Confidential was just defending North Carolina in its academic probe.  However, shocking new details are emerging that suggest the Confidential was, simply, 100% wrong.  Please accept our apology.

The reason for this about-face is that the Confidential was able to obtain a copy of the secret North Carolina Athletic Department’s Course Guide.  Although the Confidential promised its fictional sources not to distribute a copy of the guide, the Confidential does have permission to provide some excerpts.  Judge for yourself just how ridiculous the course offerings were for athletes at North Carolina in recent years:

  • ENGLISH 106: LIMERICKS, HAIKU, and BATHROOM GRAFFITI.  Description: Not just for the Irish, Japanese, and people who use urinals, students in this class will hone their creative skills by writing short, attention getting pieces.  This class involves a midterm, as well as a field trip involving bar hopping so that students to demonstrate their skills in real life situations.  Note: This class is a prerequisite for ENGLISH 107: RAP FOR WHITE GUYS/ADVANCED RHYMING.
  • BIOLOGY 108: NATURE -n- STUFF.  Description: This class provides students an opportunity to check out nature.  Whether you like looking at the sky, looking at animals, looking at plants, or looking at rocks, you’ll get to check it all out in this class.  Note: Now that the Lab requirement has been removed, this class is only 3 credit hours.
  • PSYCHOLOGY 221: STRIPPERS, LEVEL 1.  Description: The strippers series of classes focuses on trying to determine why strippers became strippers, a complex interplay of both psychology and sociology.  The entry level class is tailored so that students can begin to identify strippers and distinguish them from non-strippers.  Note: Class Fee of $50, which provides a 3-month pass to The Chapel Hill Gentlemen’s Club, two non-alcoholic beverages, and one lap dance.
  • STATISTICS 111: SPORTS STATS.   Description: The use of statistics to measure performance in sports is well known.  This class focuses on how to calculate various sports statistics, including (a) simple categories, such as wins and touchdowns; (b) average categories, such as points per game; and (c) advanced stats, such as slugging percentage.  Note: Prerequisite for Sports Stats II, which covers earned run average, QB rating, and win-shares.
  • ART 108: LEGOS(R).  Description: Once merely a child’s toy, Legos are now a well-recognized medium for artistic expression.  Students will have to demonstrate the ability to both secure the blocks together and to do so in a way that makes some sort of sense.
  • COMMUNICATIONS 122: DISCUSSING TV.  Description: Students will have the opportunity to survey and analyze television shows and discuss them with other classmates.  Note: This class requires biweekly 140 character essays to be submitted via twitter and/or text message.
  • HEALTH 114: JOCKS FOR JOCKS.  Description: Beginning with a historical look at the athletic protector and protective cup in primitive times, students will study the evolution of these safety devices as well as the proper way to purchase, wear, and clean same.

And the Confidential did not even bother to print the descriptions for classes, such as HISTORY 155: NEWS TODAY; ECONOMICS 144: AGENTS AND BOOKIES; GEOLOGY 113: GEODES AND MARBLES; and SOCIOLOGY 130: UNDERSTANDING YOUR POSSE.  Needless to say, this curriculum guide truly does call into question the education that athletes are receiving at North Carolina.

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