The Confidential

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Huge News: West Virginia to ACC in 2014-2015!

The ACC and West Virginia have scheduled a press conference for 3:00 p.m. today to announce that the Mountaineers will become a full-time member in the ACC for the 2014-2015 season.  West Virginia was able to extricate itself from the Grant of Rights on the basis that both sides just felt that it was a mistake, couple with the fact that Brigham Young is finally ready to join the Big XII.  With 13 teams being unwieldy, and no suitable schools for a 14th, this just made the most sense.  The oft-discussed cooperative efforts of the Big XII and the ACC came into play obviously too.

Winners:  West Virginia, obviously.  Gets to reinvigorate rivalries with Pitt, Syracuse, and Virginia Tech.  The ACC–gets a football school to help placate the masses, while awaiting a Notre Dame decision.  The Big XII–West Virginia was always a geographical outlier.  BYU–they almost lost out on being at the grown-up’s table.  This salvages that.  The Big East leftovers–this stabilizes expansion for a while.  Hopefully.

Losers: Connecticut and Cincinnati.  They are plainly on the outside right now.   They will have to wait for defections from the ACC, which seem a bit less likely now.  Marylandwho considers West Virginia a rival, for some reason.

Big Losers: Us, for posting this April Fool’s Joke in such a very cruel manner.   Those people who will not realize that this is an April Fool’s Joke and/or post on Twitter that it is.  Nobody likes a spoiler.

Duke Forms Committee to Consider Upgrading Football to FBS-Level

(8.86 Miles From Chapel Hill, North Carolina)  Duke University President Dick Brodhead has announced that the university will be forming a committee to consider upgrading the football program to FBS-Level.  The committee will be chaired by former Duke great good, quarterback Anthony Dilweg.  Dilweg, now a successful real estate businessman, will have to “quarterback” a committee considering all the various pros and cons of the upgrade.

Duke actually does have some experience at the FBS-Level, even making it to a few bowl games.  In 1994, Duke played in the Hall of Fame Bowl, just five years after playing in the All-American Bowl.  And, in 1960, Duke played in the Cotton Bowl, a 7-6 barnburner between two 8-3 teams.  This is noteworthy because the Cotton Bowl still exists!  But to make it to bowl games in the modern era of corporate-sponsored bowls, Duke’s upgrade is going to be daunting.

Any good business move requires putting the right team into place.  The Confidential suggests that, if the committee does approve an upgrade,  Duke should consider employing some or all of the following:

  • Someone to run the school’s host program AND not be foolish enough to use actual Duke co-eds to do it.  Duke may need to employ professionals here.
  • Someone to oversee modifying the schoolwork/football balance to a more North Carolina State-y level.  No need to go all out on the cheating like North Carolina, but at least scale back some of that academics crap.
  • Someone to create, implement, and subsequently ignore the free sneaker program.  Do we need to even joke about where Duke should poach this person?   (some FSU fans are a little slow, so, even though this joke expired 10 years ago… YES, we meant FSU!)
  • The standard cocaine/car/prostitute liaison.  Vice = success.
  • Depending on how many rules Duke is comfortable violating, maybe just hire Lane Kiffin or Pete Carroll?  USC has shown that private universities can bend the rules as much as any state school.
  • A couple “coaching” jobs for Dads of real good players. That’s always a big hit on the recruiting trail.
  • A person to muzzle Dick Vitale.  Not going to help the football team directly, but there has to be a karmic benefit here.

Clemson is dabbling with a “scholarship for you and a buddy” program.  Duke might want to consider that too.  A successful football program at the FBS-level must be a little creative.

Quite obviously, Duke has a lot to consider before making the upgrade, and even more to consider if that is the decision is to go forward.  But it would be worth it to see a future generation of Duke football fans get to experience a bowl.

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