The Confidential

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Archive for the category “Satire”

Budget-Strapped Rutgers Hires Undocumented Immigrant as Head Coach

(Satire-burg, NJ).  The Big 10 went bargain shopping went it dangled membership in front of cash-strapped Maryland and Rutgers.  The B1G’s spare change was more than enough to have those two schools running around giddy like Julia Roberts shopping on Richard Gere’s dime in Pretty Woman.  But Maryland and Rutgers are reportedly not receiving a full share just yet.  And both schools now need to make coaching changes despite the tight economic circumstances.  For Rutgers, unfortunately, the budget for a football staff is not what it used to be.  Thus, Rutgers has hired an undocumented immigrant as its new head football coach.  There are no details on the name of the new hire yet.

As we all know, immigration is particularly controversial.  On the one hand, you have Democrats like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  On the other hand, you have Democrats Republicans like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio in favor of opening the doors to all immigrants for all reasons.  The “divide” on this issue will cause billions of dollars in political ads to ruin your life for the next 12 months.  And then there is Donald Trump, who wants to do some things that make all of the above angry at him.  Good times.

But what seems to be the prevailing wisdom (i.e. likely not true) is that immigrants, particularly undocumented ones, are at the very least willing to do jobs that non-immigrants are apparently unwilling to do.  You can think of some examples.  And then add to that list–coaching football for Rutgers.

The challenges are heavy for any Rutgers football coach.  First, Rutgers is an ongoing dumpster fire.  See here and here.  And that was before the school launched an investigation into its head coach for various and sundry things.  Second, Rutgers is in a division with Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State.  That’s all.  Third, the hire will be working for an A.D. that is coming over from the law school.  Because, yeah, there is no better training ground for an athletic department than running a law school.  Finally, it is Rutgers.

Although little is known about the new hire, he reportedly has a long history of playing futbol.  Apparently, from the time he was 5, it has been his passion.  And, in all candor, he was willing to take the job.  For Rutgers, however, the big selling point is that he is willing to not only take the job, but accept a very reasonable salary to run the football program for at least a year.  And with that, a match was made.

It will be interesting to see if Rutgers can turn this action into a success.  If so, look for other cash-strapped Universities to follow Rutgers’ lead.  Or perhaps take it one step further by outsourcing the assistant coaching responsibilities to India.

At least there may be a reason to watch Rutgers next year.

Nah.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door. Oh, and please no ISIS. And perhaps a Rutgers coach.” Image courtesy of https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_liberty_01.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

ACC Suspends Refs for Violating Pro-Duke Agenda!

(Coach K’s Lap ACC Headquarters): To the surprise of anyone who has ever watched a Duke University game in any sport, the referees at the end of Saturday’s Duke-Miami football game inexplicably made several decisions that failed to benefit Duke.  What is not surprising–of course–is that Atlantic Coast Conference has acted quickly by  suspending those referees.

There are a number of Internet sources that have attempted to document the pro-Duke agenda:

And that is just from the first two pages of one Internet search.  Admittedly, unless you are a Duke fan, you have always suspected that Duke got favorable calls.  In any event, who can forget Jim Boeheim losing his suit coat over the conclusion to a Duke-Syracuse game?

Well, if you had any doubts, the ACC has acted swiftly in suspending the referees from the Duke-Miami game for two weeks.  ACC commissioner John Swofford had this to say:

The Atlantic Coast Conference prides itself on academics, athletics, and ensuring that Duke University receive as many favorable calls and outcomes as possible.  The referees in the Duke-Miami game flawlessly implemented that agenda in the final minutes of the game with a variety of calls against Miami, but then inexcusably failed to do so on the final play.  To the extent that this group believed, erroneously, that Duke must be given an even playing field in football, they have been disabused of such a notion and punished appropriately.

As it stands now, the scoreboard for pro-Duke and anti-Duke officiating outcome resides squarely at 62-1.  The ACC’s ruling will certainly have a chilling impact on calls against Duke for the foreseeable future, so look for that margin to increase.

Who Needs Bill Simmons?

The Confidential will step in:

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Notwithstanding this satire, the Confidential is a big fan of Simmons–even owning two of his books.  But he has gotten a bit stale of late, no?  It was fun when he shared our misery–misery that only a fan of a down team or school could appreciate.  The worst thing that happened was the Boston area teams thriving.  The next worst thing was deciding that his readers cared more about the NBA than baseball/football.  Easy for us to say, we don’t have a big NBA gig.  Carry on, Sports Guy, carry on.

The NCAA is Going Bowl Crazy

Earlier this week, there was a report that the not-for-profit NCAA is considering the addition of four new bowls to its already bloated bowl schedule.  That generated ample discussion on social media, of course, as it would open the door for some sub .500 teams to potentially go bowling.  Now, news out of NCAA headquarters (i.e. Coach K’s lap) is that the NCAA is strongly considering a change to the bowl format to allow every single FBS program to attend a bowl!  Every. Single.  Team.  Consider this the NCAA’s diving head first into the “every player gets a trophy” deep end of the mediocrity swimming pool.  It is official.  The NCAA is going bowl crazy.

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Clemson and Oregon Schedule Home and Home for 2077 & 2082

If you are a fan of college football, you get excited when two marquee programs agree to play each other in the future.  Who can wait for Texas- Michigan in 2021?  And Notre Dame-Florida State in 2024?  We cannot.

And the prospects of any game featuring the high-powered offense of Chad Morris for the Clemson Tigers or the super-high octane offense of the Oregon Ducks get the proverbial juices flowing. Well, what if the two teams played each other?  How much fun would that be?  Well, you will get your wish.  Sort of.  The Clemson Tigers and Oregon Ducks have agreed to a Home and Home in 2077 & 2082.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More…

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GERG for NFL Commissioner Campaign!

Look, the time has come for the NFL to begin thinking about its next commissioner.  The embattled Roger Goodell is losing public support rampantly, and the NFL now has to investigate itself.  This cannot end well.  It is just a matter of time before the NFL begins looking for its next NFL commissioner.  And the Confidential thinks that the NFL should consider Greg “GERG” Robinson.  Consider…

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The ACC Laff-a-Lympics

A favorite Saturday morning show growing up (before College football, natch) was Hannah-Barbera’s “Laff-a-Lympics” which featured a cadre of popular HB characters competing as teams in zany sporting competitions, races, and scavenger hunts.

The Confidential started to wonder…if the ACC were in the “Laff-a-lympics”, which characters would best represent the schools?

Here are just some of the matches that we could come up with:  Read more…

ACC to 16…Navy to Get Notre Dame-esque Scheduling Deal From ACC

The Atlantic Coast Conference did not drive the recent expansion like the Big 10, but it has been very very involved nonetheless.  Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and Louisville are full members.  Maryland is exiting.  Notre Dame has a quasi-membership for football and a full-membership otherwise.  In a move that is somewhat shocking, but perhaps not VERY shocking, the reports are that Navy will be joining the ACC in a deal akin to Notre Dame’s, only with far less compensation.  See link to article below.

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Throwback Thursday: Satire Piece on Miami Hurricanes Facing Truly Unprecedented Penalties!

(Originally published on August 3, 2012)

(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST)   Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented.  The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:

FOOTBALL SANCTIONS:

  • The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016).  Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year.  He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
  • The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips.  Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
  • The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
  • The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves.  Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
  • The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
  • Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
  • SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland).  During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
  • BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility.  If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.

BASKETBALL SANCTIONS:

  • Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
  • Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS

  • The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
  • Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
  • Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018

At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami.  Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.

A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

As much as it pains me to say, please disregard my previous letter asking for $1,000,000 and Luke Kuechly to be my boyfriend; instead I’d like to make a more selfless request.

This Christmas, I’d like it if you and your elves could conjure up a Clemson win this post season. It would really mean a lot to me, my family, and the rest of the Clemson faithful. I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of letters from Buckeye fans, Gamecock fans, and Jesse Palmer, asking for a Clemson loss, but I really hope you’ll consider my request. Here are some cold hard facts as to why you should give me what I want grant my wish:

1. I’ve been good this year—I graduated and became a proud Clemson alumni, joined IPTAY to show my support for Clemson athletes, and I continue to pay my student loans on time (Joy to the World!)

2. It’s Tajh Boyd’s last game—Tajh has been a true blessing to the Clemson program and I’d really hate to see him go out on a sour note. Breaking all kinds of ACC and school records, he will go down as one of, if not the best quarterback in Clemson history. This win could be the cherry on top to an already outstanding career.

3. You look really good in Orange—Look! Seriously, you’re killin’ it.

Clemson Santa

4.  Last time Clemson played Ohio State we didn’t punch anyone—this is a no brainer. Last time we played the Buckeyes it was 1978. Their coach literally grabbed Clemson middle linebacker, Charlie Bauman, and punched him through the facemask after he caught an interception. Shouldn’t they be punished? 36 years later. Sure the coach was fired, but I still feel like the whole team hasn’t fully felt those repercussions.

5.  Finally, Clemson doesn’t just need this win, the entire ACC needs it—please consider this selfless request not only on the behalf of my Clemson Tigers, but on the rest of the ACC as well. Try as we might to become a strong football conference, it just hasn’t happened yet. With a Clemson win, you’d be showing the nation that the ACC can produce teams that win…even without that SEC speed.

Merry Christmas and I’ll be looking for you on Santa tracker.

Sincerely,

Mary Stewart Bailey

P.S. If you’re feeling extra jolly, I won’t turn away a million dollar stocking stuffer.

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