The Confidential

The ACC Sports Blog

Archive for the category “Satire”

Wolfpack 2013 Football Postmortem

Disclaimer: the following article contains some sarcasm.  No wolves or wolf mascots were harmed in the making of this post.

Place: a crowded operating room at a hospital in Boston, Mass.  Date: Saturday afternoon, November 16th.

A gaggle (sorry, don’t get to use that word much) of doctors, nurses and medical techs encircle an exam table.  They are frantic, especially the one holding the two paddles in the air over the patient. “Clear!!” he yells.

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Syracuse pride stickers coming soon….

To any Syracuse fans that have been unable to drink-away the painful memories of the Greg Robinson Era, the words “Orange Pride” – a phrase that GRob tried to popularize, and even had painted inside the walls of the football facilities – bring back terrible memories of lousy football, lopsided final scores, and ugly uniforms. In fact, one of the first things that former Head Coach, Doug Marrone did upon taking over the reigns at Syracuse was to paint over the large words, along with other cleansing techniques including burning the players’ old cleats, as a way of starting over without the bad mojo.

Despite the fact that Syracuse’s practices have been closed to the public for the final two weeks of preseason camp, there have been reports that new Head Coach Scott Shafer and Athletic Director Darryl Gross have been working on one way in particular to highlight the players’ pride: Helmet Stickers. Read more…

Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

Despite the recent news that the City of Detroit has officially declared bankruptcy, which we presume looked something like this:

officials have announced that the plans for the Detroit Bowl are still moving forward without delay with what they are calling the Bankruptcy Bowl. Read more…

ESPN to Broadcast Edward Snowden Selection – UPDATED

It is being reported that ESPN News is going to broadcast the amnesty selection of highly-recruited leaker/traitor, Edward Snowden, the former government contractor that leaked confidential information from the NSA. Read more…

Crazy Court Designs

The rage in college sports lately has been the one-up-manship in ugly uniforms, fields, and courts. Attention-seeking Athletic Directors and corporations are more than willing to put their stamp on college athletics in order to drive more business or exposure for their respective products. The Confidential believes its only a matter of time before teams in the ACC get behind this trend as well, so here are some suggestions for ACC team home courts that we would like to see: Read more…

Oregon Offers Scholarship to Famous Toddler

In the wake of USC offering a scholarship to an 8th grader, and perhaps a bit nervous with the departure of Chip Kelly, the Oregon Ducks coaching staff has beaten USC to the punch with Mason Disick, child of Kourtney Kardashian and someone (probably Scott Disick).  The Ducks have offered young Disick a scholarship for 2028.

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B1G NEWS: Big Ten Dropping Rutgers, Searching for Replacement

(Mordor Park Ridge, Illinois) There is stunning news developing in Big 10 country, where the Big Ten Presidents are considering a vote to rescind Rutgers’ invitation to join the conference amid the (cough**dumpster fire that is Rutgers’ Athletic Department**cough)  past three months scandals that have embroiled the school.  See here and here.

Because Rutgers is not fully integrated into the Committee on Institutional Cooperation (CIC), which was expected on or about July 1, 2013, this remains possible but the Big Ten must move quickly to exercise this option.

Former Rutgers Athletic Director, Tim Pernetti, called it a sad day in Rutgers history and immediately started working on the University’s “resignation” letter for the Big Ten.

Although Big 10 fans deemed the addition of Maryland and Rutgers to be as exciting as a stale fig newton, and were looking forward to mediocre football games between the State University of New Jersey and Illinois, the move was an attempt to profit from the media-heavy NY/NJ market. As a speculative add, however, the gamble was on the long-term success.  But the numerous short-term embarrassments are proving too much for the most proud conference this side of the Ivy League.  Thus, while it may take a few days to finalize, the Big 10-Rutgers marriage is over.

Upon hearing of the news, Rutgers’ ex-basketball coach Mike Rice resumed throwing basketball at random people’s heads and yelling profanities.

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More New Bowls Coming to NCAA Football

It has recently been reported that the Detroit Lions, having mastered the art of running a successful professional football team, are going to sponsor a bowl game in the ultimate holiday destination of Detroit, Michigan.  As a resident of the Detroit metropolitan area, I can make say that without it being offensive, fyi.  In any event, this new Detroit Lions Rust Bowl, or whatever it will be called, has opened the floodgates to numerous new bowls being contemplated/rumored, within even more atypical partners, such as:

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Boeheimian Rhapsody

Check out this new video involving Syracuse, Jim Boeheim, and some good laughs:

Don’t forget that the Confidential’s very own MCaffrey named his team Boeheimian Rhapsody in our bracket contest. See here.

Great job by all!



The Other Final Four Story

Update II: Disregard the below.  The CBI is a 3-game format.  Good grief. 

Update: Congratulations to the Broncos of Santa Clara for winning the CBI.

THE FINAL FOUR is in Atlanta this weekend.  But it is not the only final four in March.  There are three other tournaments, including the venerable National Invitational Tournament (the “NIT”), still ongoing.  The other two tournaments are the CIT and the CBI.  There are more champions to be crowned.

For the NIT, Big 10 basketball is coming to your television set tomorrow.  Although it is unclear who televises the NIT, the NIT semifinals include a barn-burner between Iowa-Maryland.  It is a barn-burner in the sense that, if Iowa loses, they will set their barns on fire.  Maryland, cash poor after being incompetently run for a long long time in the ACC for all these years, does not even have barns.  Yet.  So this is far from a true, double-barn barn-burner.  In any event, this matchup promises to be a preview of all the great Maryland-Iowa rivalry games to be seen in the future.  Jim Delaney must be so very proud.

If one game has a rather plain Big 10 aftertaste, the other game has some Big XII intrigue.  Current Big XII power Baylor takes on a school that most expansion experts like to shift right into a non-existent Big XII vacancy, Brigham Young University.  So we are looking at an NIT final–on whatever day the NIT final is–between teams between the Big 10 (kinda) and the Big XII (OK, a stretch).  One of these teams will take home the crown of being #69.  Commence giggling.

The CIT and CBI are both are past the final four stage.  The CIT is down to its final game, featuring a future member of the “Big East Leftovers,” East Carolina, and Weber State.  We are not sure what the CIT was thinking, they are holding this game on the same day as the NIT semifinals.  A lot of tough remote control decisions across America.

Did you know?  There is no state named Weber.  Weber State is in Utah. 

Meanwhile, the CBI, which may stand for the Cinderella Basketball Invitation, will hold a championship game between George Mason and Santa Clara.  Santa Clara made a name for itself by beating #2 seed, Arizona, in the 1993 Big Dance.  George Mason made a name for itself a few years ago, with a magical run to the Final Four.

Did you know?  The CBI Tournament Championship Game was actually last night.  Do you know who won?  Seriously, let us know.  It’s hard to find the scores on 

While the festivities in Atlanta promise to be memorable this weekend, just remember that there are other tournaments wrapping up.  We’ll even let you root for Maryland.  It would be cute if they won something, even if they do end up pawning the trophy to buy socks for their lacrosse team.

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