The Confidential

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Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

Despite the recent news that the City of Detroit has officially declared bankruptcy, which we presume looked something like this:

officials have announced that the plans for the Detroit Bowl are still moving forward without delay with what they are calling the Bankruptcy Bowl.


Do not pass Go

The Bankruptcy Bowl will still feature a team from the Big Ten, and perhaps even our beloved ACC, but will have some new wrinkles that will make this bowl be unlike any others:

  • By federal statute, the replay official for the game will be a court-appointed bankruptcy trustee.
  • There will be no coin flip to start the game–that coin has been earmarked for the fire department’s pension plan.
  • Coaches will be responsible for submitting a game plan per 11 U.S.C. § 941. The plan must be filed with the petition prior to kick-off or at such later time as the court fixes.
  • The game will start at -50 to -50.  First one back to zero wins.
  • Teams will have to work to stay out of the red zone.  Every time the defense keeps a team from scoring from within the “red zone,” they get one point.
  • Instead of compensating the teams with money, schools will receive valuable artwork from the Detroit Institute of Art Museum.  The inaugural game’s winner will receive a Picasso.  The losing team will receive the entire nightmare-invoking marionette collection.
  • The players will receive a customary collection of swag for attending.  In fact, each player will receive a gift bag containing:
    – the deed to a house located within the City of Detroit;
    – a coupon for some free Domino’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free Little Caesar’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free Hungry Howie’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free terrible pizza from any other awful pizza chains that started in Detroit that we may be forgetting;
    – a Diana Ross cassette tape;
    – one free firearm from the City of Detroit police department’s evidence room; and
    – a can of spray paint to sign “___ was here” on the municipal building of one’s choice.
  • Residents of Detroit will vote for the 2 teams that they want to be in the Bankruptcy Bowl, but the State-appointed City Manager will ultimately pick the two teams of his choice.
  • Unfortunately, the winner of the game may have to ultimately face a team from the S.E.C. as the Bankruptcy Code permits the Securities and Exchange Commission to appear and be heard on any issue.

h/t – acaffrey

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6 thoughts on “Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

  1. The swag could have included–

    — a free trip to the cardboard factory where they make the boxes/crusts for the pizza.

    — a Ford Pinto (life insurance not included)

    — a bus tour down 8-Mile.

    • M. Caffrey on said:

      Box Factory Tour Guide: This is the most popular room in the tour.
      Milhouse: It’s just like the other rooms.
      Box Factory Tour Guide: Yes, but with one important difference. (Looks to his side) Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

  2. Wait until Flint gets a bowl.

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