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The Confidential

The ACC Sports Blog

Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

Despite the recent news that the City of Detroit has officially declared bankruptcy, which we presume looked something like this:

officials have announced that the plans for the Detroit Bowl are still moving forward without delay with what they are calling the Bankruptcy Bowl.

***

Do not pass Go

The Bankruptcy Bowl will still feature a team from the Big Ten, and perhaps even our beloved ACC, but will have some new wrinkles that will make this bowl be unlike any others:

  • By federal statute, the replay official for the game will be a court-appointed bankruptcy trustee.
  • There will be no coin flip to start the game–that coin has been earmarked for the fire department’s pension plan.
  • Coaches will be responsible for submitting a game plan per 11 U.S.C. § 941. The plan must be filed with the petition prior to kick-off or at such later time as the court fixes.
  • The game will start at -50 to -50.  First one back to zero wins.
  • Teams will have to work to stay out of the red zone.  Every time the defense keeps a team from scoring from within the “red zone,” they get one point.
  • Instead of compensating the teams with money, schools will receive valuable artwork from the Detroit Institute of Art Museum.  The inaugural game’s winner will receive a Picasso.  The losing team will receive the entire nightmare-invoking marionette collection.
  • The players will receive a customary collection of swag for attending.  In fact, each player will receive a gift bag containing:
    – the deed to a house located within the City of Detroit;
    – a coupon for some free Domino’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free Little Caesar’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free Hungry Howie’s pizza;
    – a coupon for some free terrible pizza from any other awful pizza chains that started in Detroit that we may be forgetting;
    – a Diana Ross cassette tape;
    – one free firearm from the City of Detroit police department’s evidence room; and
    – a can of spray paint to sign “___ was here” on the municipal building of one’s choice.
  • Residents of Detroit will vote for the 2 teams that they want to be in the Bankruptcy Bowl, but the State-appointed City Manager will ultimately pick the two teams of his choice.
  • Unfortunately, the winner of the game may have to ultimately face a team from the S.E.C. as the Bankruptcy Code permits the Securities and Exchange Commission to appear and be heard on any issue.

h/t – acaffrey

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6 thoughts on “Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

  1. The swag could have included–

    — a free trip to the cardboard factory where they make the boxes/crusts for the pizza.

    — a Ford Pinto (life insurance not included)

    — a bus tour down 8-Mile.

    • M. Caffrey on said:

      Box Factory Tour Guide: This is the most popular room in the tour.
      Milhouse: It’s just like the other rooms.
      Box Factory Tour Guide: Yes, but with one important difference. (Looks to his side) Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

  2. Wait until Flint gets a bowl.

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