The Confidential

Detroit Bowl Moving Forward

Despite the recent news that the City of Detroit has officially declared bankruptcy, which we presume looked something like this:

officials have announced that the plans for the Detroit Bowl are still moving forward without delay with what they are calling the Bankruptcy Bowl.

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The Bankruptcy Bowl will still feature a team from the Big Ten, and perhaps even our beloved ACC, but will have some new wrinkles that will make this bowl be unlike any others:

• By federal statute, the replay official for the game will be a court-appointed bankruptcy trustee.
• There will be no coin flip to start the game–that coin has been earmarked for the fire department’s pension plan.
• Coaches will be responsible for submitting a game plan per 11 U.S.C. § 941. The plan must be filed with the petition prior to kick-off or at such later time as the court fixes.
• The game will start at -50 to -50.  First one back to zero wins.
• Teams will have to work to stay out of the red zone.  Every time the defense keeps a team from scoring from within the “red zone,” they get one point.
• Instead of compensating the teams with money, schools will receive valuable artwork from the Detroit Institute of Art Museum.  The inaugural game’s winner will receive a Picasso.  The losing team will receive the entire nightmare-invoking marionette collection.
• The players will receive a customary collection of swag for attending.  In fact, each player will receive a gift bag containing:
  – the deed to a house located within the City of Detroit;
  – a coupon for some free Domino’s pizza;
  – a coupon for some free Little Caesar’s pizza;
  – a coupon for some free Hungry Howie’s pizza;
  – a coupon for some free terrible pizza from any other awful pizza chains that started in Detroit that we may be forgetting;
  – a Diana Ross cassette tape;
  – one free firearm from the City of Detroit police department’s evidence room; and
  – a can of spray paint to sign “___ was here” on the municipal building of one’s choice.
• Residents of Detroit will vote for the 2 teams that they want to be in the Bankruptcy Bowl, but the State-appointed City Manager will ultimately pick the two teams of his choice.
• Unfortunately, the winner of the game may have to ultimately face a team from the S.E.C. as the Bankruptcy Code permits the Securities and Exchange Commission to appear and be heard on any issue.

h/t – acaffrey