The Confidential

Oregon Offers Scholarship to Famous Toddler

In the wake of USC offering a scholarship to an 8th grader, and perhaps a bit nervous with the departure of Chip Kelly, the Oregon Ducks coaching staff has beaten USC to the punch with Mason Disick, child of Kourtney Kardashian and someone (probably Scott Disick).  The Ducks have offered young Disick a scholarship for 2028.

The Ducks obviously cannot comment on a recruit that has not yet signed a letter-of-intent, much less one that has not yet learned how to legibly write.   However, the Confidential has learned that Oregon is quite enthused by young Disick’s potential given that he will attend school in either California or Florida–generally considered hotbeds for the development of football talent.

Also, there is apparently some confusion within the coaching staff as to which Kardashian is which, with at least some under the mistaken impression that Reggie Bush is the father of the child.  And other coaches think that the child at least has the bloodline of Bruce Jenner.  Clearly, like most good Americans, the Oregon Ducks coaching staff is not watching the Kardashian’s television show (whatever it is called).

This is perhaps not as bad as the embarrassment surrounding Arizona State’s two-year recruitment of Tyler Tidwell, son of the fictional wide receiver Rod Tidwell from the movie Jerry McGuire.  But it is a black eye for the Pac-12, which considers itself (along with the Big 10) to be academically and morally elite, relative to the Big XII and SEC.

Never one to miss an opportunity to give himself a black eye, Gordon Gee, elderly outgoing President of Ohio State, stated that this is why he voted against Zachary Taylor, who was President when Oregon accepted statehood.  Gee noted that you could not trust an Episcopalian back then and you cannot now.  He also mumbled something about Mormons, before even an ACLU representative at the press conference suggested that Gee should probably “stop talking from now on.”

Needless to say, it is just a matter of time before someone offers a scholarship to a fetus.  One would expect that Notre Dame would be leading that charge.