The Confidential

Throwback Thursday: Satire Piece on Miami Hurricanes Facing Truly Unprecedented Penalties!

(Originally published on August 3, 2012)

(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST)   Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented.  The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:

FOOTBALL SANCTIONS:

• The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016).  Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year.  He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
• The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips.  Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
• The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
• The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves.  Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
• The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
• Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
• SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland).  During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
• BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility.  If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.

BASKETBALL SANCTIONS:

• Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
• Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS

• The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
• Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
• Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018

At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami.  Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.