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Archive for the category “Sarcasm”

08 Dec 2012
5 Comments

Big 10 Looking East For Expansion

Amid all the rumors of this team or that team being lured into the largesse of the Big Ten, the latest word is that, notwithstanding the additions of Rutgers and Maryland, Big Ten expansion into the East remains on the table.  Only the Big Ten is apparently looking a lot farther east than one might have expected.  A Northwestern blog is reporting that, not only is the Big Ten considering adding schools, it is considering the addition of six schools.

While Frank the Tank speculates on Florida State, the major development is that the Big 10 envisions four, 5-school pods, with one being made up exclusively of teams from east.  As in way east.  Here are the five favorites for that far eastern pod:

  • University of Pune (India).  With 500,000 students enrolled, this would, by far, be the largest university in the Big 10.  Assuming roughly 75,000 graduates per year, Big Ten Network executives project that it will be difficult for any local cable carrier to not carry the BTN on basic cable.  Wikipedia has this to say about student life at what the Big 10 expansion committee amusingly refers to as “Pune State”–“It is very challenging in PU. I worked hard and came out with flying colors but story is not same for everyone.”  Sounds like an SEC student.  But, lest you think “Pune State” is only churning out telemarketers and electrical good troubleshooters, the school has well-respected colleges in all the major fields.  For information on Pune football, see here.
  • University of the Punjab (Pakistan).  Founded in 1882, the University of the Punjab has a healthy 450,000 students enrolled.  The Big Ten apparently envisions that it can capitalize on the friendly political rivalry between India and Pakistan to elevate Pune-Punjab into the next Michigan-Ohio State.  Indeed, the schools already have some bad blood, apparently originating from one school referring to the other as its “little brother” following a cricket victory.  A Big Ten source notes that an invitation to the school is not a guarantee, but the major proponents see the school as a “Purdue in the Punjab.”  Or vice-versa.  For more information on Punjab football, see here.
  • Peking University (China).  Despite having only 30,000 students, Peking University was the very first modern university in China.  The Big Ten likens Peking to a public Northwestern, with a small student body but the high quality that one comes to expect from anything with the words “Made in China” on it.  The plan is to use Peking to capture the central region of China, which is estimated to have eleventy billion television households.  If there is a drawback for Peking, it is the absence of a football team at this time.  However, a Big Ten source dismissed this issue: “We just took Rutgers, didn’t we?”  Touche, Mr. Anonymous Big Ten source.
  • University of Tokyo (Japan).  Lest you think the Big Ten’s expansion plans were based solely on the “P” book from a set of encyclopedia, the Big Ten is looking strongly at Tokyo.  Admittedly, there is some urgency to add Tokyo.  With the Big East’s recent rumored addition of Hawaii, they will certainly be looking for a Pacific Rim partner.  Tokyo fits the urban university model that makes made the Big East a great good satisfactory conference.  With nearly 14,000,000 people living in Tokyo, Big Ten Network bean counters are literally drooling.  With an 80.3 in research, this website lists Tokyo as #1 in research among Asian universities, which has strong appeal to the Big Ten’s CIC research consortium.  That’s right, an 80.3!  That’s a lot of dongs or yen or whatever.  Look, the Confidential likes pie charts much better than bar charts.  Sorry.  For more on Tokyo football, see here.
  • University of Hong Kong (Hong Kong).  The UHK boasts that it is “the oldest tertiary education institution in Hong Kong.”  Founded in 1910 (the year Greg Oden was really born), the UFK fits the Big Ten mold of a flagship university.  The UHK will have to invest some funds to expand the Stanley Ho Sport Centre to accommodate the 40,000 Nebraska fans that go to every road football game.  But it looks like the Henry Fok Swimming Pool already looks ready to host a Big Ten swim meet.  And the academic types already love the UHK–a University so passionate about research that it devoted an entire website tab to the subject.  It is unclear whether UHK has a football team, but Bobby Petrino’s father indicates that there is mutual interest between the school and his son.

So those are the five leading candidates right now.  If true, this expansion is sure to anger some of the American schools that were hoping for an invitation.  But the Big Ten’s mantra has been about expanding into new, vibrant markets.  With the United States meandering from recession to recession, it is clear that the Big Ten needs to be looking at tomorrow’s markets from a population and financial standpoint.  So, with apologies to schools throughout the southeast United States, the Far East makes perfect sense–as in dollars and cents–for the Big Ten.  These are 100-year decisions, after all.

Expected Pods:

Far East: Pune, Punjab, Peking, Tokyo, Hong Kong

East: Penn State, Maryland, Rutgers, Ohio State, [20th team, TBD]

Central: Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Indiana, Northwestern

Far Central: Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois

Protected rivalries are Northwestern-Illinois, Michigan-Ohio State, Rutgers-Peking. 

Posted by acaffrey in Conference Realignment, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged ,
31 Oct 2012

OSHA to Investigate the Maryland Quarterback Position

The Maryland Terrapins were awful in 2011.  Despite the 4-4 record in 2012, things have gotten worse, or at least weird, in Maryland.  As noted by ESPN, it began when its starting QB transferred, it got worse when the next guy in line tore an ACL in August, and then it got surreal when the next two guys in line each got hurt against North Carolina State on October 20.  So that left Maryland down to its 5th string QB, true freshman Caleb Rowe.  Rowe suffered a season-ending ACL injury this past Saturday, leaving Maryland to suit up a linebacker and tight end this week.  If you are keeping score at home, that is four quarterbacks suffering serious injuries in less than two months.  The federal government is keeping score–the Occupation Safety and Health Administration (“OSHA”) has ruled that it will begin investigating the Maryland Terrapin quarterback position.

For those who do not know, OSHA is tasked with making the workplace safer for Americans.  OSHA notes as follows regarding an employer’s obligation to provide a safe workplace:

Employers have the responsibility to provide a safe workplace. Employers MUST provide their employees with a workplace that does not have serious hazards and follow all OSHA safety and health standards. Employers must find and correct safety and health problems. OSHA further requires that employers try to eliminate or reduce hazards first by making changes in working conditions rather than just relying on masks, gloves, ear plugs or other types of personal protective equipment (PPE).

OSHA further notes these awful statistics: “An average of 12 Americans are killed on the job every single day of the year. In addition, tens of thousands die every year from workplace disease and over 3.3 million workers each year are seriously injured on the job.”  Fortunately, none of the Maryland quarterbacks have been killed.

Well, with quarterbacks dropping like flies in Maryland, OSHA is not going to wait for a fatality before stepping in.  The official commentary of OSHA on the situation is as follows: “It is not enough to just provide quarterbacks with a helmet and pants–the Maryland athletic department has a duty to eliminate or reduce safety hazards.  We think it is incumbent on the Maryland football team to do something to protect its quarterbacks.  If the State of Maryland is not going to get involved, we will.  And, by the way, those ugly uniforms are dangerous too.”

However, it is unclear exactly what OSHA can do.  Maryland’s offensive line coach, Tom Brattan, has been with the program since 2001.  The University of Maryland even boasts that the “Maryland offensive line has been one of the team’s strengths since 2001 . . . .”  Well, tell that to the injured quarterbacks.  Here is hoping someone can figure out a way to keep these kids safe.

 

Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Football, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , ,
08 Sep 2012

Al Pacino to Play JoePa In Movie? The Confidential Predicts the Rest of the Cast…

Word on the Interwebs is that Al Pacino is attached to play Joe Paterno in a movie based on Joe Posnanski’s biography Paterno.  Ok, so be it.  But the Confidential cannot help wonder who will play all the other major players in the Penn State scandal.  Here are the Confidential’s recommendations.

To make life easier, we’ll borrow from the SI.com article listing the key individuals involved with the scandal:

JERRY SANDUSKY:

Jerry Sandusky

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

It’s hard to argue with the great work that William Shatner has done with the Priceline.com commercials.

FORMER PENN STATE PRESIDENT, GRAHAM SPANIER:
Graham Spanier

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

How about Sir Ian McKellan… from Gandalf to Graham.  Just needs to lose the hat and perhaps darken the hair a bit.  Child’s play for Hollywood makeup artists.

Ian McKellen Picture

LOUIS FREEH, AUTHOR OF THE FREEH REPORT THAT LED TO NCAA SANCTIONS:

Louis Freeh

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Sydney Pollack was made for this role.

Sydney Pollack Picture

But with his unfortunate passing, we’ll go with someone a little more Italian-American, Armand Assante.  He will probably have a nice watch, which is essential for the role.

 

TIM CURLEY, FORMER PENN STATE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR:

Tim Curley

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Victor Garber, best known as Agent Jack Bristow on Alias.  Of course, he was also in Titanic–which had a more successful ending than Paterno’s career.   All he needs is some glasses.

Victor Garber Picture

GARY SCHULTZ, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF BUSINESS AND FINANCE:

Gary Schultz

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jeffrey Jones, best known as Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

We also might have considered John Banner, who played Sergeant Schultz on Hogan’s Heroes.  But he passed away 30 years ago.  Oh well.

MIKE MCQUEARY, ASSISTANT COACH/EYEWITNESS:

Mike McQueary

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Crap, they don’t hire red-headed actors anymore.  Ron Howard ruined it for everyone.  By default, the Confidential will go with some guy named Damian Lewis that most of you have probably heard of.

 

SUE PATERNO, FIRST LADY OF PENN STATE FOOTBALL:

Sue Paterno

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Talia Shire.  She was the wife in Rocky.  She was the sister in The Godfather.  I think she is required to be the wife in any movies regarding Italian-Americans.  She’s probably too young, but so is Al Pacino.  Whatever.  Not the Confidential’s problem.

NCAA PRESIDENT MARK EMMERT:

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jon Voight.  C’mon, he can pull it off.

 

What do you think?  Any better suggestions???

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Scandal and tagged , , , ,
28 Aug 2012
2 Comments

Realignment News: SEC Looking at Clemson (+ NC State?) & Florida State Willing to Do Anything to Leave ACC

After a quiet several weeks on the conference realignment front, and despite the football season being 2 days away, here come some more rumors.  Specifically, there is scuttlebutt that the SEC will be looking to add Clemson as its 15th team and then invest some time deciding on which team would be the best fit for team #16.  Naturally, with the ever-wandering eye, Florida State is shaving its legs and hiking up its skirt to attract attention from any conference willing to look its way.

First, the SEC motivation appears based on the desire remove the geographical split and create an All-Tigers pod.  Although the conventional wisdom is that Florida State or Virginia Tech would be the logical 16th team due to prowess, the SEC has long coveted entry into the North Carolina market.  So North Carolina State is actually in the lead for the last spot.  Plus, again, it helps make fun pods.  After all, consider these pods, which are so much smoother with North Carolina State:

  • The Tigers pod: LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Clemson
  • The Dogs & Cats pod: Georgia, Mississippi State, Kentucky, North Carolina State
  • The People pod: Texas A&M, Tennessee, Mississippi, Vanderbilt
  • The Potpourri pod: Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, South Carolina

With all the trouble that the SEC has had trying to figure out a balanced schedule with an East-West split without losing so many important traditional rivalries, it looks like the conference is ready to just throw its hands up in the air and use the nicknames to “randomize” the distribution.

Second, Florida State remains eager to find any conference that will take it away from the Inner Circle of Hell Atlantic Coast Conference.  At this point, the Seminoles are willing to do whatever it takes to convince a conference to allow them to spare them the agony of overreacting to things handed down by the conference.  And we mean anything.  These are the only things that can be printed in this blog:

  • Changing its team nickname to the Tigers to try to get in on the Tigers thing that the SEC obviously has going on;
  • Changing its name to East Texas State to get the Longhorns to cease opposing Big XII expansion;
  • Committing major violations to land on probation so that the B1G will feel more comfortable adding them to the mix of its all-sanctioned kings: Nebraska, Penn State, Ohio State, and Michigan; and
  • Stressing to the “soon-t0-be 65% as rich as the ACC, but also 0% ACC (which is all that matters)” Big East that its basketball team having more success than its football team is a trend that will continue.

To its credit, Florida State is not trying to join the Pac-12.  Although the Florida collegiate system deems its Tampa-university to be “South Florida,” apparently there is SOMEONE in the state who pays a little attention to the map.

Never a dull moment when it comes to real or pretend expansion news.

Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Conference Realignment, Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , , , ,
24 Aug 2012

Nike Uniforms Hit New Low With Georgia Tech’s Alternate Unis

There are few college football fans, and certainly no tradition-respecting fans, that like what the shoe companies are doing to college football uniforms.  From Oregon to Maryland to Notre Dame’s recent abomination, there is apparently some sort of competition to see who can design the worst-looking uniform.  As Frank the Tank described Notre Dame’s unis, “This is what happens when Ed Hardy and a leprechaun have a love child. These uniforms might only be used for one night, but that one night can cause a lifetime of nightmares a la Bjork.”  Well, Frank the Tank, it’s game over.  Just look at the travesty that Georgia Tech is going to roll out as its alternate uniform for its game against Georgia this year.

About the only good thing to say is that Nike is not solely to blame.  These uniforms are the product of a joint effort with Georgia Tech and clothier Joseph A. Banks:

One of Georgia Tech associate athletic directors, who asked to remain anonymous, explained the evolution of these uniforms: “Nike approached us with a few different uniform options, including one that featured antennae on the helmets.  But Nike and Joseph A. Banks were working on a deal to have a certain amount of Nike golf shirts featured in the clothier’s retail outlets.  And somehow they came up with this idea and Mr. Joseph A. Banks himself unveiled the concept.  Yellow Jackets can be taken a lot more literally.  Most importantly, we think that the mock suit look is very appropriate for the genteel, Southern football fan.”

The collaboration between Nike and Joseph A. Banks may be duplicated in the future.  Word is that there are discussions between Adidas, Men’s Warehouse’s Big & Tall Department, and the University of Connecticut on a new uniform for the Big East opener in 2013, much to the delight of Husky fans everywhere.  The Confidential guarantees that you will NOT like the way that they look.  But apparently that’s now the goal with college football uniforms.

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , , ,
18 Aug 2012
5 Comments

North Carolina Academic Probe: Shocking New Details Emerge

(Where FSU Fans Think All The ACC Evil is Concentrated, North Carolina)  Well, the Confidential may end up having the proverbial “egg” on its face.  The Confidential was just defending North Carolina in its academic probe.  However, shocking new details are emerging that suggest the Confidential was, simply, 100% wrong.  Please accept our apology.

The reason for this about-face is that the Confidential was able to obtain a copy of the secret North Carolina Athletic Department’s Course Guide.  Although the Confidential promised its fictional sources not to distribute a copy of the guide, the Confidential does have permission to provide some excerpts.  Judge for yourself just how ridiculous the course offerings were for athletes at North Carolina in recent years:

  • ENGLISH 106: LIMERICKS, HAIKU, and BATHROOM GRAFFITI.  Description: Not just for the Irish, Japanese, and people who use urinals, students in this class will hone their creative skills by writing short, attention getting pieces.  This class involves a midterm, as well as a field trip involving bar hopping so that students to demonstrate their skills in real life situations.  Note: This class is a prerequisite for ENGLISH 107: RAP FOR WHITE GUYS/ADVANCED RHYMING.
  • BIOLOGY 108: NATURE -n- STUFF.  Description: This class provides students an opportunity to check out nature.  Whether you like looking at the sky, looking at animals, looking at plants, or looking at rocks, you’ll get to check it all out in this class.  Note: Now that the Lab requirement has been removed, this class is only 3 credit hours.
  • PSYCHOLOGY 221: STRIPPERS, LEVEL 1.  Description: The strippers series of classes focuses on trying to determine why strippers became strippers, a complex interplay of both psychology and sociology.  The entry level class is tailored so that students can begin to identify strippers and distinguish them from non-strippers.  Note: Class Fee of $50, which provides a 3-month pass to The Chapel Hill Gentlemen’s Club, two non-alcoholic beverages, and one lap dance.
  • STATISTICS 111: SPORTS STATS.   Description: The use of statistics to measure performance in sports is well known.  This class focuses on how to calculate various sports statistics, including (a) simple categories, such as wins and touchdowns; (b) average categories, such as points per game; and (c) advanced stats, such as slugging percentage.  Note: Prerequisite for Sports Stats II, which covers earned run average, QB rating, and win-shares.
  • ART 108: LEGOS(R).  Description: Once merely a child’s toy, Legos are now a well-recognized medium for artistic expression.  Students will have to demonstrate the ability to both secure the blocks together and to do so in a way that makes some sort of sense.
  • COMMUNICATIONS 122: DISCUSSING TV.  Description: Students will have the opportunity to survey and analyze television shows and discuss them with other classmates.  Note: This class requires biweekly 140 character essays to be submitted via twitter and/or text message.
  • HEALTH 114: JOCKS FOR JOCKS.  Description: Beginning with a historical look at the athletic protector and protective cup in primitive times, students will study the evolution of these safety devices as well as the proper way to purchase, wear, and clean same.

And the Confidential did not even bother to print the descriptions for classes, such as HISTORY 155: NEWS TODAY; ECONOMICS 144: AGENTS AND BOOKIES; GEOLOGY 113: GEODES AND MARBLES; and SOCIOLOGY 130: UNDERSTANDING YOUR POSSE.  Needless to say, this curriculum guide truly does call into question the education that athletes are receiving at North Carolina.

Posted by acaffrey in Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , ,
15 Aug 2012
1 Comment

Syracuse Head Coach Doug Marrone on 2012 season: “We will only go as far as anonymous Internet commentators take us.”

(90 minutes south of Canada) Look out Big East, the Syracuse coaching staff is calling in the big guns.  Syracuse Head Coach Doug Marrone addressed the local media with his biggest concerns for the upcoming season and did not shy away from who was responsible for getting his team in position for another post-season run, “Without question we will only go as far as anonymous Internet commentators take us.”

Marrone is loved by real Syracuse fans, who will never forget that he was able to take the big pile of dog doo left behind by Greg Robinson and turn the team into a competitive team in season 1 and a bowl team in season 2.  His popularity peaked in Week 7 of season 3, when Syracuse blew out West Virginia in a nationally televised game to go 5-2.  But the team was unable to win any more games and missed being bowl eligible.  From there, the anonymous Internet commentators began churning out the criticisms and helpful advice.

And Marrone has taken notice.  “If the anonymous commentators on websites like Syracuse.com do not provide us with useful critiques, how can you expect us coaches to make the right adjustments each week?,” Marrone explained.   Athletic Director Dr. Gross added: “The input from our fans, especially the fair weather ones, is huge. I mean, if not for some of the anonymous posters online, then I would have kept Greg Robinson. That guy had two Super Bowl rings and it’s not like you can just walk into a pawn store and buy those.  So I wholeheartedly support Doug’s plan to harness the genius of anonymous Internet commentators.”

Marrone’s plan is brilliant.  Syracuse has hired two graduate assistants to monitor the blogosphere to harvest the great ideas.  He even shared one gem.  A Syracuse.com fan named ScarletNites69 noted that “your teem [sic] sux [sic] because there [sic] offense is the worst ever and will not complete no [sic] 30 yard passes all season.”  So, after spending several hours debating whether the double negative at the end of that comment was a mistake or not, Marrone and his team are fully resolved to rewrite the offense this year to try to complete more of those 30+ yard passes.  No more striving for incompletions and interceptions.

The Confidential’s own research has unearthed several brilliant comments that may or may not end up being utilized by Marrone and his staff:

  • OrangePreTeen11 noted–“our defense would be better if the defense can be where the other offense has the ball more often.”
  • StalkingFrankReich noted–“Not sure why Marrone is beholden to Nassib.  That cute backup Loeb is the real deal–why are we going to waste his talents on the sidelines in favor of a Senior who has never taken Syracuse to even ONE Super Bowl?  How many chances does this guy get?”
  • CuseGramps noted–“Syracuse won a national championship with Jim Brown.  We just need to recruit more guys like Jim Brown.”
  • James1983 noted–“I coached High School football at a big time program.  Marrone just needs to tell these guys to block and tackle.  Obviously, he is not doing that.”
  • Cap_10_Ille noted–“Syracuse needs to pass on 1st down, run on 2nd down, and then pass on 3rd down.  Every series.  That will keep the defense off guard.  If they run on first down even once this year, I am cancelling my season tickets.”

“Everyone knows that the most talented and experienced advisors are not wasting their Saturdays and Sundays on the sidelines,” added a rival coach who preferred to remain anonymous, “but instead are impressing their friends and family with their superior knowledge of sports from the comfy confines of their livings rooms.”  Other top-tier programs have secretly relied heavily on call-in radio shows to get expertise advice on how they should have played the game better, but Syracuse has upped the ante.  Look for big things from Syracuse this year.

by Anthony Caffrey & Matt Caffrey

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Sarcasm and tagged , , ,
12 Aug 2012
1 Comment

Duke Forms Committee to Consider Upgrading Football to FBS-Level

(8.86 Miles From Chapel Hill, North Carolina)  Duke University President Dick Brodhead has announced that the university will be forming a committee to consider upgrading the football program to FBS-Level.  The committee will be chaired by former Duke great good, quarterback Anthony Dilweg.  Dilweg, now a successful real estate businessman, will have to “quarterback” a committee considering all the various pros and cons of the upgrade.

Duke actually does have some experience at the FBS-Level, even making it to a few bowl games.  In 1994, Duke played in the Hall of Fame Bowl, just five years after playing in the All-American Bowl.  And, in 1960, Duke played in the Cotton Bowl, a 7-6 barnburner between two 8-3 teams.  This is noteworthy because the Cotton Bowl still exists!  But to make it to bowl games in the modern era of corporate-sponsored bowls, Duke’s upgrade is going to be daunting.

Any good business move requires putting the right team into place.  The Confidential suggests that, if the committee does approve an upgrade,  Duke should consider employing some or all of the following:

  • Someone to run the school’s host program AND not be foolish enough to use actual Duke co-eds to do it.  Duke may need to employ professionals here.
  • Someone to oversee modifying the schoolwork/football balance to a more North Carolina State-y level.  No need to go all out on the cheating like North Carolina, but at least scale back some of that academics crap.
  • Someone to create, implement, and subsequently ignore the free sneaker program.  Do we need to even joke about where Duke should poach this person?   (some FSU fans are a little slow, so, even though this joke expired 10 years ago… YES, we meant FSU!)
  • The standard cocaine/car/prostitute liaison.  Vice = success.
  • Depending on how many rules Duke is comfortable violating, maybe just hire Lane Kiffin or Pete Carroll?  USC has shown that private universities can bend the rules as much as any state school.
  • A couple “coaching” jobs for Dads of real good players. That’s always a big hit on the recruiting trail.
  • A person to muzzle Dick Vitale.  Not going to help the football team directly, but there has to be a karmic benefit here.

Clemson is dabbling with a “scholarship for you and a buddy” program.  Duke might want to consider that too.  A successful football program at the FBS-level must be a little creative.

Quite obviously, Duke has a lot to consider before making the upgrade, and even more to consider if that is the decision is to go forward.  But it would be worth it to see a future generation of Duke football fans get to experience a bowl.

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Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Football, Sarcasm and tagged , , , ,
09 Aug 2012
2 Comments

ACC Revises Florida State’s 2012 Football Schedule to Accommodate TV

(SOMEWHERE IN NORTH CAROLINA)  In an attempt to placate its overlord television partners, the Atlantic Coast Conference is finalizing its 2012 football schedule.  Unfortunately, this will lead to some changes, with the Florida State Seminoles being conspired against receiving their fair share of exciting new changes.

First, because nobody cares about the Maryland Terrapins football team now that Randy Edsall has brought his bumbling. yawn-inducing style of football to College Park, ESPN has requested that the September 22 FSU-Clemson game be swapped with the November 17 game between FSU-Maryland.  Nobody wants to watch a beatdown like that in November.  Unfortunately, it just so happens that the circus is in Tallahassee on November 17, so the FSU-Clemson game must now become a road game for the Seminoles.  In exchange, the FSU-Maryland game becomes a home game for Florida State, which should appeal to fan bases of both schools as FSU fans get to watch a victory live, while Terps fans get to avoid having to watch a loss live.  Win-win-win.

Second, in a brand new marketing scheme, the October 6 FSU-North Carolina State game is also going to be moved to later in the season.  In fact, it will not even be in 2012.  Instead, the game will be played as part of a groundbreaking football/basketball doubleheader on January 29, 2013.  FSU-NC State will kickoff on ESPN at 7:00 p.m.   At 9:00 p.m., ESPN will switch its coverage to a North Carolina-Duke hoops game.  The FSU-NC State game will shift over to ESPNU or something at that point.  Dick Vitale is already excited!

Third, Duke and Florida State will play in the first “M.A.D.D. Bowl.”  In an effort to show that college football, tailgating, and alcohol do not have to go together, these two teams will kickoff at 7:00 a.m.  Also, nobody will be allowed to enter the stadium with a detectable Blood Alcohol Level.

Fourth,in response to Florida State’s protests regarding the scheduling of Thursday road games, the Atlantic Coast Conference has agreed to change the November 8 Thursday game between Virginia Tech and Florida State to November 10.  That way, Florida State does not have to play on the road on a Thursday.

Finally, to ensure adequate Thursday exposure and provide Florida State a home game on that day of the week, the October 13 home game against Boston College will be shifted to Thursday, October 18.  This is nice for Florida State fans, who get to watch the team play on that date, and then make the short trip down to Miami on Saturday, October 20, for a rivalry game against the Hurricanes.  It is going to be an exciting week for Seminole fans.

To recap, here is the final schedule for FSU (changes in bold):

  • Sept 1, Murray State: 6:00 pm
  • Sept 8, Savannah State: 6:00 pm
  • Sept 15, Wake Forest, 12:00 pm
  • Sept 22, Maryland, Time TBA
  • Sept 29, @ South Florida, Time TBA
  • Thursday, Oct 18, Boston College, 7:00 pm
  • Saturday, Oct 20, Miami, Time TBA
  • Saturday, Oct 27, Duke, 7:00 a.m. (M.A.D.D. Bowl)
  • Nov 10, @ Virginia Tech, 7:30 pm
  • Nov 17, @ Clemson, 7:30 pm
  • Nov 24, Florida, Time TBA
  • Wednesday, Jan 29, 2013, @ North Carolina State, 7:00 pm

The ACC made this official announcement regarding the scheduling changes: “In conjunction with someone from the State of Florida, presumably a Florida State fan, the Atlantic Coast Conference and ESPN are pleased to announce the finalization of the ACC football schedule.  We are also pleased that this finalization process did not impact the majority of Florida State games or in any way benefit the State of North Carolina or its member institutions.  No, we are not being defensive.  You are the ones who are being defensive.”

Florida State has yet to issue an official comment.  The Florida State blogosphere is, as usual, apathetic about things involving the football team.  Not when basketball season is just three months away…

 

 

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Posted by acaffrey in Football, Sarcasm, Uncategorized and tagged , ,
03 Aug 2012
7 Comments

Miami Hurricanes Facing Truly Unprecedented Penalties!

(BORING METROPOLIS IN MIDWEST)   Emboldened by the support it received from all NCAA Presidents following the imposition of harsh penalties against Penn State Univeristy, the NCAA’s executive committee is apparently set to announce penalties for the Miami Hurricanes that are even more unprecedented.  The Confidential has learned that the executive committee is set to offer Miami the choice of (a) the death penalty to its football team for three years; (b) actual death to all people affiliated with the University; or (c) the following more overreaching and creative penalties than those imposed on Penn State:

FOOTBALL SANCTIONS:

  • The football team must hire Greg Robinson and place him in charge, completely and unequivocally, of the defense from 2013 to 2015, and then again in 2017 (just to offset the obvious gains that will be made in 2016).  Further, Greg Robinson will be prohibited from using stuffed animals to motivate his defense for one year.  He will, however, be allowed to read children’s books as desired
  • The football team is required to use morbidly obese female “hosts” for all official and unofficial recruiting trips.  Further, Janet Reno will be appointed as a special consultant to the program to ensure that no host with a BMI of less than 40 comes close to hosting a recruit
  • The football team must change its colors to pink and sky blue
  • The football team must stay in the Atlantic Coast Conference for the next 30 years, even if Florida State leaves.  Also, Miami cannot vote against South Florida or Central Florida taking Florida State’s place in the ACC
  • The football team must continue to lose to Boston College annually
  • Lane Kiffin is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches
  • SCHOLARSHIP LIMITS: For all odd years from 2013 to 2017, the football team can only sign 100% Caucasian defensive backs and running backs, and must give 1 scholarship per year to a female kicker (provided she is not hot like Kathy Ireland).  During even years from 2014 to 2018, the team must give 1 scholarship per year to a quarterback from Samoa, 2 scholarships per year to offensive linemen of 100% Chinese descent (provided they are not able to do cool thinks like in the movie Big Trouble in Little China), and 1 scholarship per year to a non-human.
  • BOWLS: The above restrictions should take care of bowl eligibility.  If not, Miami is only allowed to go to bowl games if they have a tie-in with the Big East (if any) or take place in crappy places like Idaho or Detroit.

BASKETBALL SANCTIONS:

  • Upon further review, the basketball team must continue doing whatever it is currently doing to remain entirely irrelevant
  • Just in case, John Calipari is allowed to take the team’s best player every year, regardless of where he coaches

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT/UNIVERSITY-WIDE SANCTIONS

  • The football team must pay annual fines of $10,000,000 dollars and 10,000,000 Cuban pesos, which will be earmarked for a pretend charity that devotes itself to something along the lines of rehabilitating prostitutes and/or supporting retired NCAA Presidents, from 2013 to 2015.
  • Effective immediately and permanently, Miami must refer to itself as “Miami (FL)” and Miami of Ohio is allowed to refer to itself as simply “Miami”
  • Luther Campbell loses Professor Emeritus status until 2018

At present, it is unclear what option will be selected by Miami.  Needless to say, the athletic culture in Miami is about to change radically.

 

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Sarcasm and tagged , ,

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