The Confidential

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Archive for the category “Satire”

01 Apr 2013
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Huge News: West Virginia to ACC in 2014-2015!

The ACC and West Virginia have scheduled a press conference for 3:00 p.m. today to announce that the Mountaineers will become a full-time member in the ACC for the 2014-2015 season.  West Virginia was able to extricate itself from the Grant of Rights on the basis that both sides just felt that it was a mistake, couple with the fact that Brigham Young is finally ready to join the Big XII.  With 13 teams being unwieldy, and no suitable schools for a 14th, this just made the most sense.  The oft-discussed cooperative efforts of the Big XII and the ACC came into play obviously too.

Winners:  West Virginia, obviously.  Gets to reinvigorate rivalries with Pitt, Syracuse, and Virginia Tech.  The ACC–gets a football school to help placate the masses, while awaiting a Notre Dame decision.  The Big XII–West Virginia was always a geographical outlier.  BYU–they almost lost out on being at the grown-up’s table.  This salvages that.  The Big East leftovers–this stabilizes expansion for a while.  Hopefully.

Losers: Connecticut and Cincinnati.  They are plainly on the outside right now.   They will have to wait for defections from the ACC, which seem a bit less likely now.  Maryland, who considers West Virginia a rival, for some reason.

Big Losers: Us, for posting this April Fool’s Joke in such a very cruel manner.   Those people who will not realize that this is an April Fool’s Joke and/or post on Twitter that it is.  Nobody likes a spoiler.

Posted by acaffrey in Basketball, Conference News, Conference Realignment, Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , ,
27 Feb 2013
2 Comments

The 2013 Greg Schiano Pansiness In Scheduling Award for the ACC

Nobody rode the coattails of weak scheduling any farther than Greg Schiano.  As noted here previously, Rutgers rise to mediocrity was accompanied by a rather obvious shift to absolutely putrid OOC scheduling.  Well, it worked…as Rutgers is now in the Big 10 and Schiano is now in the NFL.  In the meantime, let’s take a look at the OOC schedules for the ACC teams.  In the spirit of the Oscars, who gets the Greg Schiano award for the ACC in 2013?

First, let’s look at the OOC schedules (courtesy of http://www.theacc.com):

  • Boston College: Villanova, @ USC, Army, @ New Mexico State
  • Clemson: Georgia, South Carolina State, The Citadel, @ South Carolina
  • Duke: North Carolina Central, @ Memphis, Troy, Navy
  • Florida State: Nevada, Bethune-Cookman, Idaho, @ Florida
  • Georgia Tech: Elon, @ BYU, Alabama A&M, Georgia
  • Maryland: Florida Int’l, Old Dominion, @ UConn, West Virginia
  • Miami: Florida Atlantic, Florida, Savannah State, @ USF
  • North Carolina: @ South Carolina, Middle Tennessee, East Carolina, Old Dominion
  • NC State: Louisiana Tech, Richmond, Central Michigan, East Carolina
  • Pittsburgh: New Mexico, Old Dominion, @ Navy, Notre Dame
  • Syracuse: Penn State (Neutral site), @ Northwestern, Wagner, Tulane
  • Virginia: BYU, Oregon, VMI, Ball State
  • Va Tech: Alabama (Neutral site), Western Carolina, @ East Carolina, Marshall
  • Wake Forest: Presbyterian, Louisiana-Monroe, @Army, @ Vanderbilt

Old Dominion might have the toughest schedule East of the Mississippi, with games against Maryland, Pitt, and North Carolina.  Heck, let’s add them to the conference!  Just kidding.

Notably, only a handful of teams play more than one AQ-conference team.  Clemson plays Georgia and South Carolina.  Maryland plays West Virginia and UConn (kinda, sorta).  Miami plays Florida and USF (kinda sorta).  Syracuse plays Penn State and Northwestern.  So those 4 teams can be eliminated from the Schiano Award.

Virginia Tech plays Alabama, Virginia plays Oregon, Florida State plays Florida, Pitt plays Notre Dame, and Boston College plays Southern Cal.  That is five teams that are taking on elite teams, kings of the sport.  We can eliminate them too.  That leaves but 5.

Georgia and Southern Carolina may or may not be Kings, but they are darn goods teams.  We can eliminate North Carolina and Georgia Tech.  Down to 3 teams.

Wake Forest plays @ Vanderbilt and @ Army.  Two road OOC games against decent programs.  Heck, Greg Schiano would not have scheduled a road game against Vandy in the same year as a road trip to Army, so we’ll eliminate the Demon Deacons.  Down to 2.

The two finalists are Duke and North Carolina State.  Duke’s toughest game is either Navy or @ Memphis.  Yep… one of the worst teams in all of FBS may be Duke’s “toughest” game.  For North Carolina State, home games against Louisiana Tech and East Carolina are the choices.  Wait a minute… North Carolina State is not even going on the road at all!  Four home games and zero games against any BCS-level programs?  Methinks we have a winner here.

The 2013 Greg Schiano Pansiness in Schedule Award for the ACC goes to… the North Carolina State Wolfpack!

 

 

Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Football, Opinion, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
08 Dec 2012
5 Comments

Big 10 Looking East For Expansion

Amid all the rumors of this team or that team being lured into the largesse of the Big Ten, the latest word is that, notwithstanding the additions of Rutgers and Maryland, Big Ten expansion into the East remains on the table.  Only the Big Ten is apparently looking a lot farther east than one might have expected.  A Northwestern blog is reporting that, not only is the Big Ten considering adding schools, it is considering the addition of six schools.

While Frank the Tank speculates on Florida State, the major development is that the Big 10 envisions four, 5-school pods, with one being made up exclusively of teams from east.  As in way east.  Here are the five favorites for that far eastern pod:

  • University of Pune (India).  With 500,000 students enrolled, this would, by far, be the largest university in the Big 10.  Assuming roughly 75,000 graduates per year, Big Ten Network executives project that it will be difficult for any local cable carrier to not carry the BTN on basic cable.  Wikipedia has this to say about student life at what the Big 10 expansion committee amusingly refers to as “Pune State”–“It is very challenging in PU. I worked hard and came out with flying colors but story is not same for everyone.”  Sounds like an SEC student.  But, lest you think “Pune State” is only churning out telemarketers and electrical good troubleshooters, the school has well-respected colleges in all the major fields.  For information on Pune football, see here.
  • University of the Punjab (Pakistan).  Founded in 1882, the University of the Punjab has a healthy 450,000 students enrolled.  The Big Ten apparently envisions that it can capitalize on the friendly political rivalry between India and Pakistan to elevate Pune-Punjab into the next Michigan-Ohio State.  Indeed, the schools already have some bad blood, apparently originating from one school referring to the other as its “little brother” following a cricket victory.  A Big Ten source notes that an invitation to the school is not a guarantee, but the major proponents see the school as a “Purdue in the Punjab.”  Or vice-versa.  For more information on Punjab football, see here.
  • Peking University (China).  Despite having only 30,000 students, Peking University was the very first modern university in China.  The Big Ten likens Peking to a public Northwestern, with a small student body but the high quality that one comes to expect from anything with the words “Made in China” on it.  The plan is to use Peking to capture the central region of China, which is estimated to have eleventy billion television households.  If there is a drawback for Peking, it is the absence of a football team at this time.  However, a Big Ten source dismissed this issue: “We just took Rutgers, didn’t we?”  Touche, Mr. Anonymous Big Ten source.
  • University of Tokyo (Japan).  Lest you think the Big Ten’s expansion plans were based solely on the “P” book from a set of encyclopedia, the Big Ten is looking strongly at Tokyo.  Admittedly, there is some urgency to add Tokyo.  With the Big East’s recent rumored addition of Hawaii, they will certainly be looking for a Pacific Rim partner.  Tokyo fits the urban university model that makes made the Big East a great good satisfactory conference.  With nearly 14,000,000 people living in Tokyo, Big Ten Network bean counters are literally drooling.  With an 80.3 in research, this website lists Tokyo as #1 in research among Asian universities, which has strong appeal to the Big Ten’s CIC research consortium.  That’s right, an 80.3!  That’s a lot of dongs or yen or whatever.  Look, the Confidential likes pie charts much better than bar charts.  Sorry.  For more on Tokyo football, see here.
  • University of Hong Kong (Hong Kong).  The UHK boasts that it is “the oldest tertiary education institution in Hong Kong.”  Founded in 1910 (the year Greg Oden was really born), the UFK fits the Big Ten mold of a flagship university.  The UHK will have to invest some funds to expand the Stanley Ho Sport Centre to accommodate the 40,000 Nebraska fans that go to every road football game.  But it looks like the Henry Fok Swimming Pool already looks ready to host a Big Ten swim meet.  And the academic types already love the UHK–a University so passionate about research that it devoted an entire website tab to the subject.  It is unclear whether UHK has a football team, but Bobby Petrino’s father indicates that there is mutual interest between the school and his son.

So those are the five leading candidates right now.  If true, this expansion is sure to anger some of the American schools that were hoping for an invitation.  But the Big Ten’s mantra has been about expanding into new, vibrant markets.  With the United States meandering from recession to recession, it is clear that the Big Ten needs to be looking at tomorrow’s markets from a population and financial standpoint.  So, with apologies to schools throughout the southeast United States, the Far East makes perfect sense–as in dollars and cents–for the Big Ten.  These are 100-year decisions, after all.

Expected Pods:

Far East: Pune, Punjab, Peking, Tokyo, Hong Kong

East: Penn State, Maryland, Rutgers, Ohio State, [20th team, TBD]

Central: Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Indiana, Northwestern

Far Central: Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois

Protected rivalries are Northwestern-Illinois, Michigan-Ohio State, Rutgers-Peking. 

Posted by acaffrey in Conference Realignment, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged ,
31 Oct 2012

OSHA to Investigate the Maryland Quarterback Position

The Maryland Terrapins were awful in 2011.  Despite the 4-4 record in 2012, things have gotten worse, or at least weird, in Maryland.  As noted by ESPN, it began when its starting QB transferred, it got worse when the next guy in line tore an ACL in August, and then it got surreal when the next two guys in line each got hurt against North Carolina State on October 20.  So that left Maryland down to its 5th string QB, true freshman Caleb Rowe.  Rowe suffered a season-ending ACL injury this past Saturday, leaving Maryland to suit up a linebacker and tight end this week.  If you are keeping score at home, that is four quarterbacks suffering serious injuries in less than two months.  The federal government is keeping score–the Occupation Safety and Health Administration (“OSHA”) has ruled that it will begin investigating the Maryland Terrapin quarterback position.

For those who do not know, OSHA is tasked with making the workplace safer for Americans.  OSHA notes as follows regarding an employer’s obligation to provide a safe workplace:

Employers have the responsibility to provide a safe workplace. Employers MUST provide their employees with a workplace that does not have serious hazards and follow all OSHA safety and health standards. Employers must find and correct safety and health problems. OSHA further requires that employers try to eliminate or reduce hazards first by making changes in working conditions rather than just relying on masks, gloves, ear plugs or other types of personal protective equipment (PPE).

OSHA further notes these awful statistics: “An average of 12 Americans are killed on the job every single day of the year. In addition, tens of thousands die every year from workplace disease and over 3.3 million workers each year are seriously injured on the job.”  Fortunately, none of the Maryland quarterbacks have been killed.

Well, with quarterbacks dropping like flies in Maryland, OSHA is not going to wait for a fatality before stepping in.  The official commentary of OSHA on the situation is as follows: “It is not enough to just provide quarterbacks with a helmet and pants–the Maryland athletic department has a duty to eliminate or reduce safety hazards.  We think it is incumbent on the Maryland football team to do something to protect its quarterbacks.  If the State of Maryland is not going to get involved, we will.  And, by the way, those ugly uniforms are dangerous too.”

However, it is unclear exactly what OSHA can do.  Maryland’s offensive line coach, Tom Brattan, has been with the program since 2001.  The University of Maryland even boasts that the “Maryland offensive line has been one of the team’s strengths since 2001 . . . .”  Well, tell that to the injured quarterbacks.  Here is hoping someone can figure out a way to keep these kids safe.

 

Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Football, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , ,

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