The Confidential

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Archive for the category “Non-Serious”

30 May 2013
11 Comments

B1G NEWS: Big Ten Dropping Rutgers, Searching for Replacement

(Mordor Park Ridge, Illinois) There is stunning news developing in Big 10 country, where the Big Ten Presidents are considering a vote to rescind Rutgers’ invitation to join the conference amid the (cough**dumpster fire that is Rutgers’ Athletic Department**cough)  past three months scandals that have embroiled the school.  See here and here.

Because Rutgers is not fully integrated into the Committee on Institutional Cooperation (CIC), which was expected on or about July 1, 2013, this remains possible but the Big Ten must move quickly to exercise this option.

Former Rutgers Athletic Director, Tim Pernetti, called it a sad day in Rutgers history and immediately started working on the University’s “resignation” letter for the Big Ten.

Although Big 10 fans deemed the addition of Maryland and Rutgers to be as exciting as a stale fig newton, and were looking forward to mediocre football games between the State University of New Jersey and Illinois, the move was an attempt to profit from the media-heavy NY/NJ market. As a speculative add, however, the gamble was on the long-term success.  But the numerous short-term embarrassments are proving too much for the most proud conference this side of the Ivy League.  Thus, while it may take a few days to finalize, the Big 10-Rutgers marriage is over.

Upon hearing of the news, Rutgers’ ex-basketball coach Mike Rice resumed throwing basketball at random people’s heads and yelling profanities.

Read more…

Posted by Vinnie Saltine in Non-Serious, Opinion, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , ,
02 Apr 2013
2 Comments

The Other Final Four Story

Update II: Disregard the below.  The CBI is a 3-game format.  Good grief. 

Update: Congratulations to the Broncos of Santa Clara for winning the CBI.

THE FINAL FOUR is in Atlanta this weekend.  But it is not the only final four in March.  There are three other tournaments, including the venerable National Invitational Tournament (the “NIT”), still ongoing.  The other two tournaments are the CIT and the CBI.  There are more champions to be crowned.

For the NIT, Big 10 basketball is coming to your television set tomorrow.  Although it is unclear who televises the NIT, the NIT semifinals include a barn-burner between Iowa-Maryland.  It is a barn-burner in the sense that, if Iowa loses, they will set their barns on fire.  Maryland, cash poor after being incompetently run for a long long time in the ACC for all these years, does not even have barns.  Yet.  So this is far from a true, double-barn barn-burner.  In any event, this matchup promises to be a preview of all the great Maryland-Iowa rivalry games to be seen in the future.  Jim Delaney must be so very proud.

If one game has a rather plain Big 10 aftertaste, the other game has some Big XII intrigue.  Current Big XII power Baylor takes on a school that most expansion experts like to shift right into a non-existent Big XII vacancy, Brigham Young University.  So we are looking at an NIT final–on whatever day the NIT final is–between teams between the Big 10 (kinda) and the Big XII (OK, a stretch).  One of these teams will take home the crown of being #69.  Commence giggling.

The CIT and CBI are both are past the final four stage.  The CIT is down to its final game, featuring a future member of the “Big East Leftovers,” East Carolina, and Weber State.  We are not sure what the CIT was thinking, they are holding this game on the same day as the NIT semifinals.  A lot of tough remote control decisions across America.

Did you know?  There is no state named Weber.  Weber State is in Utah. 

Meanwhile, the CBI, which may stand for the Cinderella Basketball Invitation, will hold a championship game between George Mason and Santa Clara.  Santa Clara made a name for itself by beating #2 seed, Arizona, in the 1993 Big Dance.  George Mason made a name for itself a few years ago, with a magical run to the Final Four.

Did you know?  The CBI Tournament Championship Game was actually last night.  Do you know who won?  Seriously, let us know.  It’s hard to find the scores on ESPN.com. 

While the festivities in Atlanta promise to be memorable this weekend, just remember that there are other tournaments wrapping up.  We’ll even let you root for Maryland.  It would be cute if they won something, even if they do end up pawning the trophy to buy socks for their lacrosse team.

Posted by acaffrey in Basketball, March Madness, Non-Serious, Opinion, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , ,
01 Apr 2013
5 Comments

Huge News: West Virginia to ACC in 2014-2015!

The ACC and West Virginia have scheduled a press conference for 3:00 p.m. today to announce that the Mountaineers will become a full-time member in the ACC for the 2014-2015 season.  West Virginia was able to extricate itself from the Grant of Rights on the basis that both sides just felt that it was a mistake, couple with the fact that Brigham Young is finally ready to join the Big XII.  With 13 teams being unwieldy, and no suitable schools for a 14th, this just made the most sense.  The oft-discussed cooperative efforts of the Big XII and the ACC came into play obviously too.

Winners:  West Virginia, obviously.  Gets to reinvigorate rivalries with Pitt, Syracuse, and Virginia Tech.  The ACC–gets a football school to help placate the masses, while awaiting a Notre Dame decision.  The Big XII–West Virginia was always a geographical outlier.  BYU–they almost lost out on being at the grown-up’s table.  This salvages that.  The Big East leftovers–this stabilizes expansion for a while.  Hopefully.

Losers: Connecticut and Cincinnati.  They are plainly on the outside right now.   They will have to wait for defections from the ACC, which seem a bit less likely now.  Maryland, who considers West Virginia a rival, for some reason.

Big Losers: Us, for posting this April Fool’s Joke in such a very cruel manner.   Those people who will not realize that this is an April Fool’s Joke and/or post on Twitter that it is.  Nobody likes a spoiler.

Posted by acaffrey in Basketball, Conference News, Conference Realignment, Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , ,
09 Feb 2013
2 Comments

Krispy Kreme Challenge 2013

2400 calories, 12 doughnuts, 5 miles, 1 hour

The Krispy Kreme Challenge was started 9 years ago as a dare between a few NC State students. Run 2.5 miles from the bell tower, eat a dozen doughnuts, run back. Since then, the event has exploded. It’s been featured in places like Sports Illustrated, and has inspired dozens of other food-themed races across the country. The 2013 winner was Timothy Ryan of Madison, Wi. with a time of 31 minutes, 32 seconds. Pretty impressive. This year, there was even a costume contest. Pac-Man, the ghosts and the little white ball were all present. So were Mario and his crew, fairies, Krispy Kreme cups with lipstick, sumo wrestlers, and giant costumed hamsters. It was awesome. The Krispy Kreme Challenge was not a race, it was a spectacle.

But it’s not just fun and games. At this year’s event, 8,000 runners raised $177,000 for the North Carolina Children’s Hospital. Total donations since the beginning total over $500,000, and all proceeds for any past and future races will always go to this cause. It’s amazing.

I was lucky enough to be one of those runners and competed in the challenge for the first time. It was a great experience. Not only do I feel honored that I was able to take part in such a great event, but somehow, I ate all 12 doughnuts and didn’t get sick. Even though NC State is not my ACC school, I’m proud to have been a part of this event. The ACC is more than a conference. Its members are more than schools. And this event is a great example of the type of impact that we can all have on the world around us.

To learn more about the Krispy Kreme Challenge, and to find information about next year’s race, visit http://www.krispykremechallenge.com/

Posted by Mr. Tar Heel in Non-Serious, UNC Correspondent, Uncategorized
08 Dec 2012
5 Comments

Big 10 Looking East For Expansion

Amid all the rumors of this team or that team being lured into the largesse of the Big Ten, the latest word is that, notwithstanding the additions of Rutgers and Maryland, Big Ten expansion into the East remains on the table.  Only the Big Ten is apparently looking a lot farther east than one might have expected.  A Northwestern blog is reporting that, not only is the Big Ten considering adding schools, it is considering the addition of six schools.

While Frank the Tank speculates on Florida State, the major development is that the Big 10 envisions four, 5-school pods, with one being made up exclusively of teams from east.  As in way east.  Here are the five favorites for that far eastern pod:

  • University of Pune (India).  With 500,000 students enrolled, this would, by far, be the largest university in the Big 10.  Assuming roughly 75,000 graduates per year, Big Ten Network executives project that it will be difficult for any local cable carrier to not carry the BTN on basic cable.  Wikipedia has this to say about student life at what the Big 10 expansion committee amusingly refers to as “Pune State”–“It is very challenging in PU. I worked hard and came out with flying colors but story is not same for everyone.”  Sounds like an SEC student.  But, lest you think “Pune State” is only churning out telemarketers and electrical good troubleshooters, the school has well-respected colleges in all the major fields.  For information on Pune football, see here.
  • University of the Punjab (Pakistan).  Founded in 1882, the University of the Punjab has a healthy 450,000 students enrolled.  The Big Ten apparently envisions that it can capitalize on the friendly political rivalry between India and Pakistan to elevate Pune-Punjab into the next Michigan-Ohio State.  Indeed, the schools already have some bad blood, apparently originating from one school referring to the other as its “little brother” following a cricket victory.  A Big Ten source notes that an invitation to the school is not a guarantee, but the major proponents see the school as a “Purdue in the Punjab.”  Or vice-versa.  For more information on Punjab football, see here.
  • Peking University (China).  Despite having only 30,000 students, Peking University was the very first modern university in China.  The Big Ten likens Peking to a public Northwestern, with a small student body but the high quality that one comes to expect from anything with the words “Made in China” on it.  The plan is to use Peking to capture the central region of China, which is estimated to have eleventy billion television households.  If there is a drawback for Peking, it is the absence of a football team at this time.  However, a Big Ten source dismissed this issue: “We just took Rutgers, didn’t we?”  Touche, Mr. Anonymous Big Ten source.
  • University of Tokyo (Japan).  Lest you think the Big Ten’s expansion plans were based solely on the “P” book from a set of encyclopedia, the Big Ten is looking strongly at Tokyo.  Admittedly, there is some urgency to add Tokyo.  With the Big East’s recent rumored addition of Hawaii, they will certainly be looking for a Pacific Rim partner.  Tokyo fits the urban university model that makes made the Big East a great good satisfactory conference.  With nearly 14,000,000 people living in Tokyo, Big Ten Network bean counters are literally drooling.  With an 80.3 in research, this website lists Tokyo as #1 in research among Asian universities, which has strong appeal to the Big Ten’s CIC research consortium.  That’s right, an 80.3!  That’s a lot of dongs or yen or whatever.  Look, the Confidential likes pie charts much better than bar charts.  Sorry.  For more on Tokyo football, see here.
  • University of Hong Kong (Hong Kong).  The UHK boasts that it is “the oldest tertiary education institution in Hong Kong.”  Founded in 1910 (the year Greg Oden was really born), the UFK fits the Big Ten mold of a flagship university.  The UHK will have to invest some funds to expand the Stanley Ho Sport Centre to accommodate the 40,000 Nebraska fans that go to every road football game.  But it looks like the Henry Fok Swimming Pool already looks ready to host a Big Ten swim meet.  And the academic types already love the UHK–a University so passionate about research that it devoted an entire website tab to the subject.  It is unclear whether UHK has a football team, but Bobby Petrino’s father indicates that there is mutual interest between the school and his son.

So those are the five leading candidates right now.  If true, this expansion is sure to anger some of the American schools that were hoping for an invitation.  But the Big Ten’s mantra has been about expanding into new, vibrant markets.  With the United States meandering from recession to recession, it is clear that the Big Ten needs to be looking at tomorrow’s markets from a population and financial standpoint.  So, with apologies to schools throughout the southeast United States, the Far East makes perfect sense–as in dollars and cents–for the Big Ten.  These are 100-year decisions, after all.

Expected Pods:

Far East: Pune, Punjab, Peking, Tokyo, Hong Kong

East: Penn State, Maryland, Rutgers, Ohio State, [20th team, TBD]

Central: Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Indiana, Northwestern

Far Central: Minnesota, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois

Protected rivalries are Northwestern-Illinois, Michigan-Ohio State, Rutgers-Peking. 

Posted by acaffrey in Conference Realignment, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged ,
08 Sep 2012

Al Pacino to Play JoePa In Movie? The Confidential Predicts the Rest of the Cast…

Word on the Interwebs is that Al Pacino is attached to play Joe Paterno in a movie based on Joe Posnanski’s biography Paterno.  Ok, so be it.  But the Confidential cannot help wonder who will play all the other major players in the Penn State scandal.  Here are the Confidential’s recommendations.

To make life easier, we’ll borrow from the SI.com article listing the key individuals involved with the scandal:

JERRY SANDUSKY:

Jerry Sandusky

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

It’s hard to argue with the great work that William Shatner has done with the Priceline.com commercials.

FORMER PENN STATE PRESIDENT, GRAHAM SPANIER:
Graham Spanier

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

How about Sir Ian McKellan… from Gandalf to Graham.  Just needs to lose the hat and perhaps darken the hair a bit.  Child’s play for Hollywood makeup artists.

Ian McKellen Picture

LOUIS FREEH, AUTHOR OF THE FREEH REPORT THAT LED TO NCAA SANCTIONS:

Louis Freeh

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Sydney Pollack was made for this role.

Sydney Pollack Picture

But with his unfortunate passing, we’ll go with someone a little more Italian-American, Armand Assante.  He will probably have a nice watch, which is essential for the role.

 

TIM CURLEY, FORMER PENN STATE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR:

Tim Curley

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Victor Garber, best known as Agent Jack Bristow on Alias.  Of course, he was also in Titanic–which had a more successful ending than Paterno’s career.   All he needs is some glasses.

Victor Garber Picture

GARY SCHULTZ, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF BUSINESS AND FINANCE:

Gary Schultz

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jeffrey Jones, best known as Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

We also might have considered John Banner, who played Sergeant Schultz on Hogan’s Heroes.  But he passed away 30 years ago.  Oh well.

MIKE MCQUEARY, ASSISTANT COACH/EYEWITNESS:

Mike McQueary

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Crap, they don’t hire red-headed actors anymore.  Ron Howard ruined it for everyone.  By default, the Confidential will go with some guy named Damian Lewis that most of you have probably heard of.

 

SUE PATERNO, FIRST LADY OF PENN STATE FOOTBALL:

Sue Paterno

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Talia Shire.  She was the wife in Rocky.  She was the sister in The Godfather.  I think she is required to be the wife in any movies regarding Italian-Americans.  She’s probably too young, but so is Al Pacino.  Whatever.  Not the Confidential’s problem.

NCAA PRESIDENT MARK EMMERT:

THE CONFIDENTIAL RECOMMENDS:

Jon Voight.  C’mon, he can pull it off.

 

What do you think?  Any better suggestions???

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm, Scandal and tagged , , , ,
28 Aug 2012
2 Comments

Realignment News: SEC Looking at Clemson (+ NC State?) & Florida State Willing to Do Anything to Leave ACC

After a quiet several weeks on the conference realignment front, and despite the football season being 2 days away, here come some more rumors.  Specifically, there is scuttlebutt that the SEC will be looking to add Clemson as its 15th team and then invest some time deciding on which team would be the best fit for team #16.  Naturally, with the ever-wandering eye, Florida State is shaving its legs and hiking up its skirt to attract attention from any conference willing to look its way.

First, the SEC motivation appears based on the desire remove the geographical split and create an All-Tigers pod.  Although the conventional wisdom is that Florida State or Virginia Tech would be the logical 16th team due to prowess, the SEC has long coveted entry into the North Carolina market.  So North Carolina State is actually in the lead for the last spot.  Plus, again, it helps make fun pods.  After all, consider these pods, which are so much smoother with North Carolina State:

  • The Tigers pod: LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Clemson
  • The Dogs & Cats pod: Georgia, Mississippi State, Kentucky, North Carolina State
  • The People pod: Texas A&M, Tennessee, Mississippi, Vanderbilt
  • The Potpourri pod: Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, South Carolina

With all the trouble that the SEC has had trying to figure out a balanced schedule with an East-West split without losing so many important traditional rivalries, it looks like the conference is ready to just throw its hands up in the air and use the nicknames to “randomize” the distribution.

Second, Florida State remains eager to find any conference that will take it away from the Inner Circle of Hell Atlantic Coast Conference.  At this point, the Seminoles are willing to do whatever it takes to convince a conference to allow them to spare them the agony of overreacting to things handed down by the conference.  And we mean anything.  These are the only things that can be printed in this blog:

  • Changing its team nickname to the Tigers to try to get in on the Tigers thing that the SEC obviously has going on;
  • Changing its name to East Texas State to get the Longhorns to cease opposing Big XII expansion;
  • Committing major violations to land on probation so that the B1G will feel more comfortable adding them to the mix of its all-sanctioned kings: Nebraska, Penn State, Ohio State, and Michigan; and
  • Stressing to the “soon-t0-be 65% as rich as the ACC, but also 0% ACC (which is all that matters)” Big East that its basketball team having more success than its football team is a trend that will continue.

To its credit, Florida State is not trying to join the Pac-12.  Although the Florida collegiate system deems its Tampa-university to be “South Florida,” apparently there is SOMEONE in the state who pays a little attention to the map.

Never a dull moment when it comes to real or pretend expansion news.

Posted by acaffrey in ACC only, Conference Realignment, Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , , , ,
24 Aug 2012

Nike Uniforms Hit New Low With Georgia Tech’s Alternate Unis

There are few college football fans, and certainly no tradition-respecting fans, that like what the shoe companies are doing to college football uniforms.  From Oregon to Maryland to Notre Dame’s recent abomination, there is apparently some sort of competition to see who can design the worst-looking uniform.  As Frank the Tank described Notre Dame’s unis, “This is what happens when Ed Hardy and a leprechaun have a love child. These uniforms might only be used for one night, but that one night can cause a lifetime of nightmares a la Bjork.”  Well, Frank the Tank, it’s game over.  Just look at the travesty that Georgia Tech is going to roll out as its alternate uniform for its game against Georgia this year.

About the only good thing to say is that Nike is not solely to blame.  These uniforms are the product of a joint effort with Georgia Tech and clothier Joseph A. Banks:

One of Georgia Tech associate athletic directors, who asked to remain anonymous, explained the evolution of these uniforms: “Nike approached us with a few different uniform options, including one that featured antennae on the helmets.  But Nike and Joseph A. Banks were working on a deal to have a certain amount of Nike golf shirts featured in the clothier’s retail outlets.  And somehow they came up with this idea and Mr. Joseph A. Banks himself unveiled the concept.  Yellow Jackets can be taken a lot more literally.  Most importantly, we think that the mock suit look is very appropriate for the genteel, Southern football fan.”

The collaboration between Nike and Joseph A. Banks may be duplicated in the future.  Word is that there are discussions between Adidas, Men’s Warehouse’s Big & Tall Department, and the University of Connecticut on a new uniform for the Big East opener in 2013, much to the delight of Husky fans everywhere.  The Confidential guarantees that you will NOT like the way that they look.  But apparently that’s now the goal with college football uniforms.

Posted by acaffrey in Football, Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , , ,
18 Aug 2012
5 Comments

North Carolina Academic Probe: Shocking New Details Emerge

(Where FSU Fans Think All The ACC Evil is Concentrated, North Carolina)  Well, the Confidential may end up having the proverbial “egg” on its face.  The Confidential was just defending North Carolina in its academic probe.  However, shocking new details are emerging that suggest the Confidential was, simply, 100% wrong.  Please accept our apology.

The reason for this about-face is that the Confidential was able to obtain a copy of the secret North Carolina Athletic Department’s Course Guide.  Although the Confidential promised its fictional sources not to distribute a copy of the guide, the Confidential does have permission to provide some excerpts.  Judge for yourself just how ridiculous the course offerings were for athletes at North Carolina in recent years:

  • ENGLISH 106: LIMERICKS, HAIKU, and BATHROOM GRAFFITI.  Description: Not just for the Irish, Japanese, and people who use urinals, students in this class will hone their creative skills by writing short, attention getting pieces.  This class involves a midterm, as well as a field trip involving bar hopping so that students to demonstrate their skills in real life situations.  Note: This class is a prerequisite for ENGLISH 107: RAP FOR WHITE GUYS/ADVANCED RHYMING.
  • BIOLOGY 108: NATURE -n- STUFF.  Description: This class provides students an opportunity to check out nature.  Whether you like looking at the sky, looking at animals, looking at plants, or looking at rocks, you’ll get to check it all out in this class.  Note: Now that the Lab requirement has been removed, this class is only 3 credit hours.
  • PSYCHOLOGY 221: STRIPPERS, LEVEL 1.  Description: The strippers series of classes focuses on trying to determine why strippers became strippers, a complex interplay of both psychology and sociology.  The entry level class is tailored so that students can begin to identify strippers and distinguish them from non-strippers.  Note: Class Fee of $50, which provides a 3-month pass to The Chapel Hill Gentlemen’s Club, two non-alcoholic beverages, and one lap dance.
  • STATISTICS 111: SPORTS STATS.   Description: The use of statistics to measure performance in sports is well known.  This class focuses on how to calculate various sports statistics, including (a) simple categories, such as wins and touchdowns; (b) average categories, such as points per game; and (c) advanced stats, such as slugging percentage.  Note: Prerequisite for Sports Stats II, which covers earned run average, QB rating, and win-shares.
  • ART 108: LEGOS(R).  Description: Once merely a child’s toy, Legos are now a well-recognized medium for artistic expression.  Students will have to demonstrate the ability to both secure the blocks together and to do so in a way that makes some sort of sense.
  • COMMUNICATIONS 122: DISCUSSING TV.  Description: Students will have the opportunity to survey and analyze television shows and discuss them with other classmates.  Note: This class requires biweekly 140 character essays to be submitted via twitter and/or text message.
  • HEALTH 114: JOCKS FOR JOCKS.  Description: Beginning with a historical look at the athletic protector and protective cup in primitive times, students will study the evolution of these safety devices as well as the proper way to purchase, wear, and clean same.

And the Confidential did not even bother to print the descriptions for classes, such as HISTORY 155: NEWS TODAY; ECONOMICS 144: AGENTS AND BOOKIES; GEOLOGY 113: GEODES AND MARBLES; and SOCIOLOGY 130: UNDERSTANDING YOUR POSSE.  Needless to say, this curriculum guide truly does call into question the education that athletes are receiving at North Carolina.

Posted by acaffrey in Non-Serious, Sarcasm and tagged , , ,

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